A messy blog about me/us...

I get so little time to myself, I often have a hard time going to bed even when I'm completely exhausted. Jeff works 4 nights a week so usually I hurry to get the kids to bed hoping I have time for a quick shower before I get him up for work. The 15 or so minutes it takes him to get up and dressed are sometimes the only times he and I have together. Then, once he is gone, I try to have some me time. Tonight I've been reading old posts of mine. As pretentious as it sounds, it's been really good to talk to myself. I can't believe how much Caius has grown in the last year and I'm amazed at how little Rayne was. I read one post in particular about my little Rayne girl that really helped with some things I'm dealing with now or again or still. The other day, walking home from church, I watched her running ahead of us and was reminded of how little she really is. I just wanted to scoop her up and hold her and show her things the way we used to. She looked so free, so happy, so untouched by any of life's hard lessons. Recently, a friend of mine made some comments that have really hurt me about her. Supposedly the friend was just trying to help and this is someone I've talked to about concerns I have because I feel comfortable enough to talk, not because I completely trust her judgement or even respect her opinion, in general, very much. This friend has been dealing with a nephew and a step son who fall on the autism spectrum and suggested that I get Rayne tested as well. Not knowing much about this topic, I asked her about it and wondered if it's really such a more broad thing than anything I've experienced or know of, perhaps some of Rayne's emotional reactions and anxieties could fall there. I didn't really believe it but am willing to admit when I don't know much about a topic and even commented that perhaps it would be a starting point for getting some help, advice etc. The next time I talked to this friend and the topic came up I asked her just what I would look for to know that this could be a concern. The list she sent me, I thought sounded nothing like Rayne and I wasn't sure what to think or ask. But she told me anyway. The things she said she sees in Rayne are what hurt. The words she used, the comments she made, the way she told me. Like I said, this person has very different ways of seeing a lot of things than I do, but I guess I've been suffering wondering if this is what everyone sees in her/us? I can't help wondering if this friend was actually being a good friend by at least trying to tell me something is not right when no one else will or if this friend has some sort of other motive and just wants to hurt me (it's not beyond her to try to play mind games with people). Anyway, I guess that's the set up. I've been trying to blog to sort through my feelings for a long time. I've been writing in my journal a lot more lately. In that way, it's been a good thing. I've talked to a few friends (who I trust and respect more) and my mom and that's helped a lot. A few thoughts I want to blog about sometime: I need to be strong and confident so Rayne can be. Perhaps a lot of her behaviors are mirroring my attitudes and feelings. I need to be strong and confident so that I know what I think and trust myself as her mother to be the one that knows and can do something about it. How do you know if, as a mom, you are doing the right thing? Somewhere in here is my definition of a hippie mom and just being able to live and value your own principles above anything else. I think I'm not biased in saying this, I know all parents think so, but I really do believe Rayne is a very smart girl and I've been reading about bright children and how they often have anxieties and sleeping problems and a really cool word I probably can't spell, asynchronicity, meaning their intellectual, emotional and physical ages are all different and how hard and frustrating that is for them and their parents and so many things sound just like Rayne but who do I talk to and where do I go because it does just sound like you are bragging "I have a smart kid" ? And, the really hard questions. Is Rayne really that different? IS there something to worry about here? Is there something "wrong" with my baby?