Just me

What if I'm a girlie girl?

What if I dress everyday the way I did today? What if it's not good enough? In style? Cool enough to fit in with my neighbor? What if I'm too old? What if I look funny?

What if I like it?

 I recently discovered that I still have this lingering, what I call "junior high" way of viewing things. I'm so afraid of standing out, being different, what someone else might think because surely if one person thinks it, it must be true.
I've never thought of myself as a girlie girl. Probably the same junior high mentality. You don't want to look like a little kid anymore or like your mommy dresses you or something.
Plus I kind of grew up with three brothers and perhaps being too girlie made me feel like I didn't fit in with them or was too weak to stick up for myself.

I like flowers. I like skirts. I like prairie shirts and details like ruffles and lace. I like old fashioned jewelry. I like curly soft hair and subtle make up and soft smelling soaps and perfume.
And maybe I can like these things and still love baseball and doing math and joking with my brothers. I can still be strong and in charge and take care of myself.



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A "yay!" post- school

Today was the best day of school yet!
Jeff and I have been talking a lot this week about how to motivate our kids, how we want school to look, and just what matters to us. It's been really good. I've been making all kinds of plans and he wants to be a part of school. So today we just jumped into some of the things we've been talking about.
Rayne was quite hesitant about the change. I don't know if it's the change in time of day? She seemed quite resistant to having Jeff be there. But once we got going, it all went smoothly. She worked a lot with Daddy and loved it! Daddy and I both worked with her and Caius and Caius didn't have his normal grumpies. I could see that they both are thinking and learning and it will all be okay.
Good job! all of us! :)

Get with it, Mama!

It felt good to write my last post and accept that things can be good enough without being perfect. It was good to let go of a few things and quit pushing myself so hard to try for whatever picture of perfect I have in my head.
But a few days later and I'm going crazy. It's not the voices in my head and unrealistic perceptions I have. I WANT THINGS BETTER THAN THIS!

Knowing this is also good.

Tonight was our first real effort  doing homeschool rather than online. Some things went quite well. While Rayne wasn't completely agreeable, it wasn't a complete blow up. But, I still kind of felt just rushed to get it done and struggling to get her attention and "make" her do it.
We've been doing school at night when Jeff goes to work for a few weeks now. It seems to work. But Jeff and I both feel like it would be better to get up and get it done in the morning. I don't know why I feel like that. I guess it needs to be a bit of a focus and to be acknowledged that it needs to get done, not just as an after thought.
I want school to be better!

In my last post I admitted to myself that losing weight just isn't a priority for me right now. And so for a day or two, I let myself go. I had such bad sugar cravings and munchies and I just let myself indulge. And I feel horrible! It was really quite gross how much I just craved the comfort of food. I was already aware that I eat for comfort but boy oh boy, did it get away from me! This is also good to know. And to remember that I do care about my health. I may not be able to think about losing weight and wishing I looked "hot" but dang I do care how I feel!
I also care a lot about what my kids eat. Rayne doesn't eat anything! as I've said before. Caius does better but if he gets what he wants it's pretty much all pasta and cheese. Maybe that's not so bad but I think I can do better for him.

Is it wrong/bad for me to say that Jeff's schedule throws us off? Okay, it's easier to blame something out there than to take it upon myself, but really. He leaves before 5 so I've been trying to feed us more of a dinner before he goes and then he's hungry when he gets home around 9 so I thought we could have a bedtime snack. Well, the only reason this has been working for us, is because I just give in to everybody. And I am cooking mac and cheese or chili dogs at 9:00 at night when kids should be going to bed!
That's another thing. Caius has quite a habit of taking a nap when Daddy goes to work and Rayne and I do school. Then he gets up at 7 and doesn't want to go to bed until way too late. At least he naps. Rayne just thinks she doesn't have to go to bed until she's beyond tired and has a total breakdown (yes I do try to get her there before that happens, but it's not very fruitful). Then we are all tired so we sleep in and I've tried to work with that and say it's just our life but I think it's awful.
Perhaps it's just my style and people are different but I HATE being up late and sleeping in and trying to live a life in between. It just doesn't work for me!!! I feel crappy and tired all the time and so unproductive! Given that I am the mom, I think that's important to consider.

I'm not really blaming Jeff but if he's not at work, he has no discipline or structure to his life. It's probably one of the things I fell in love with. His happy, care free way of being and that he wanted me to slow down and enjoy life. But he stays up until whenever he feels like sleeping, which I think doesn't help with kids and bedtimes... somehow, it plays into it. He gets up when he's done sleeping or we get too loud and wake him up, which if I do have structure in our mornings, he kind of interrupts. Then he sits and plays games while we try to do school and somehow that's just not conducive to the atmosphere or something. And yet, what is he supposed to do? Just sit there while we work? So how do I change this!?

So now I'm back to saying, we need some rules dang it!
Bedtimes, mealtimes, school time. The t.v. and video games don't have to be on ALL DAY long (I'm sure it's just a bad energy past a certain point).

But really what needs to be said is "get with it mama!" I have to do better! And this isn't a beat my head against the wall trying to be perfect thing. This is a "this isn't working for me!" thing. I'm NOT happy with the way it is.
I don't make my kids do things because I'm not strong enough to fight about it. That's NOT okay. I'm sure they can at least sense that and maybe it's part of the reason Rayne is so insecure. Mom's a pushover so Rayne has so much control but perhaps feels like who's going to protect her?
Dang it! I thought if I was nice and loving, my kids would just go along with our routine. But EVERYTHING is a fight with her! I have to find some other motivation than "because I said so" or it's what has to be done! She just doesn't buy into that and then Caius follows her example even though he's such a mellow, do what he's supposed to kind of kid.

Alright, get with it mama! Be the grown up.

Another visit with mom perfection

A friend posted this on FB today.
I often wonder about other people, but rarely venture out to find out. Sometimes I apologize for my house not being cleaner when if I could be honest with myself, this is about as good as it gets and I think I'm doing pretty darn okay. If I could just let myself know it, I actually think I'm not doing too badly.

I've decided to quit worrying so much about what we are eating and just focus on making sure we do eat. There are some things I want to keep trying to do better, like eating more vegetables and not cooking 3 different dinners every time we eat. I really do believe in eating wholesome, real, unpackaged food, maybe even organic as we can. But I can't keep beating myself up over it.
I can't keep thinking we're failing every time I make dinner. Because really, the Velveeta Skillet that my boys are so fond of? I know it comes out of a box and is white pasta with cheese, but really, I'd be so happy if my girl would eat some and I'm glad my little boy gets the iron and protein from the beef. Some days, especially since starting kindergarten, I am just worn out and need to get something on the table fast. Sometimes, even if I do a more "homemade" meal, it does have canned ingredients and I just have to say that's okay. And really V-8 and canned fruit have always made me feel good, even if they aren't as good as the "real thing."
It's the world we live in. I wasn't raised knowing any better and teaching myself really isn't easy. Then there's always the food budget and the fact that no, really, I CAN'T afford organic eggs no matter how "worth it" they are. Or whatever the excuse, I just have to think it's not so bad as the foodies want me to believe.
In fact, like my house, I might even think I'm doing alright.

I really need to lose weight and get healthy. No really. I'm bigger now than I've ever been and I've never been so out of shape, even when I never really was in shape. And I do want to be healthier and stronger.
 But really? Right now it's just not a priority. I have so many things I'm trying to get done and think about everyday, being skinny and hating my body for not being there just isn't my top priority. Actually, I'd like to start with loving my body, getting better and more sleep, eating more veggies, and maybe doing some stretching and even just getting back in touch with my muscles.
Hello? Are you still there? My beautiful wonderful body that has come through so much? I made two babies for crying out loud! And I'm still here, living, breathing, getting things done. I have to admit, that's kind of awesome.

The truth is, my house might be messy, but it's not dirty.
I am aware of nutrition and keep making strides in feeding this group and I really am just grateful we have what we need and are healthy.
And my big confession is, I like Mt. Dew. I mean I LIKE Mt Dew and I just don't think I want to quit.
So instead, I give up trying to be "perfect." I am perfectly okay!

Deep breath- school decision

I have considered this last week a time of transition. I am quite happy with my process of deciding about Rayne's school. While it was very emotionally and mentally all encompassing for me, I really didn't freak out and stress in my typical decision making way. I didn't go searching everyone else's opinions in order to "figure out" what was right.
I gave myself time to feel. I prayed. I read a lot of different things just to get a picture in my mind of our options. I listened to my feelings. I discussed MY thoughts and feelings with people I felt mattered. And I let myself know what I thought and felt.
I breathed.
And then I knew.

Our final decision is to officially homeschool Rayne. Well, not officially. It turns out you don't even have to send a 5 year old to kindergarten legally in our state. So, we're not even going to bother with making it "official." What I mean by official is that we will be withdrawing from the online school, not sending her to a brick and mortar school, and taking this on all ourselves.
While this may not look like a change to anyone else, for me it is a big change. Daunting at first, I have found a lot of ideas and am actually feeling excited about teaching my children in a more formal, yet still home, way.
And, I keep reminding myself, it's only kindergarten. I think if she learns to read, write, and do some arithmetic, she'll be okay. I intend to really work on the behavior as well. I'm not completely sure what all that entails at this point (perhaps we should go back to therapy) but I have some plans in place for some first little steps. So far a couple serious time outs for hitting given by mom, who is seen as the weaker parent, have already seemed to make a big difference.

And so I continue to breathe.

Where we stand

Yesterday I had a conference call with Rayne's teacher and the Special Ed person. Basically, what it comes down to is this.
Rayne is not able to meet the expectations of this school because she is unwilling to meet and test with the teacher, showing aggressive behavior, she won't talk in the microphone for evaluations and won't participate in live lessons and reading groups. They are saying that they have to have a way of assessing that she is aquiring the information. That makes sense of course and I guess being an online school, one of their main ways is to talk to the kid. Not unreasonable.
In order to go forward with this school, we would need evaluations, including someone coming to our home to observe and probably Rayne meeting with a doctor/therapist on her own, and a behavior plan which, they were sure to tell me, would be extremely hard on me, require a lot, and things would definitely get worse before they get better. But, it is really important to take care of this now before Rayne is older and bigger and has hormonal changes etc thrown in to really mess with her. One word that stood out to me was that we need to "extinguish" this behavior before it gets worse.
Okay. Understandable. Reasonable expectation. Of course I don't want to be dealing with an aggressive, defiant teenager. Etc etc etc. But, there is no way for anyone to see Rayne when she is happy and sweet and confident and learning because if anyone else is there, she freaks out. I'm not completely convinced that forcing her to meet and work with strangers is going to help and not do more damage at this point.
Or maybe they are right. I have to confess that an exhausted part of me wishes I could just send her to school a couple hours a day and have someone else "fix" her.

The other option, according to this school, is to send her to the neighborhood traditional school. This might be better because she would be meeting face to face and have positive peer pressure and let's face it, just the convenience of it being just down the road rather than out in cyber space. They assured me that even being in a behavioral classroom, which may not even be always necessary, she should be learning at grade level, meaning what the "regular" classroom is learning. She is still expected to meet state requirements etc.
I can't help wondering if "experts" wouldn't be better able to help her.
But I don't think that's what my gut is saying. I don't want her to have a negative, hating school experience. I've never really believed that the best way to deal with fears is to face and overcome them. You need to learn how to deal in spite of them. I think that sending her to strangers, all alone, would be trying to get her over her fears. I'm pretty sure that if I were to go parachuting or something similar, I would die from my fears not suddenly not have them anymore.
Perhaps I'm wrong. I'm just not really ready to test it on my little girl.

So, my thinking, Jeff's thinking, is we will do flat out home school. I'm pretty sure that makes no difference to anyone but me. No one else knows really what we are currently doing or how it would be any sort of a change to be officially homeschooling. But, it is a big difference for me. I would be solely responsible for all her education and learning, academically, behaviorally, even socially. I'd have to come up with it all on my own. And as I've mentioned, I'm exhausted!
Because no matter how much someone else may love her or be concerned or try to help, when it comes down to it, I am the only one "in the trenches" with her. Even Daddy isn't completely there. Perhaps Caius is and that's a whole other issue. But it is me. I'm the one actually doing it. Taking her to doctor appointments, meeting with teachers, helping her in the bathroom, trying to get her to eat, being yelled at, trying to teach and love her.
My mom has told me the story of someone she once knew who had a daughter with some kind of disability. In exhaustion, the mother asked, "why me?" The answer she received was that she wasn't the one going through it. Her daughter was and she was the mother and it was her job to help her child.
I think of that often. This is my baby. It is my job to help her. I try not to think about my own tiredness and needs. I try to think of them enough to be better for my kids. This is what it is to be a mom. I believe that. I've somehow always known that it was so important for me to be there with my kids. I kind of think it's why my life has played out the way it has. It's all about them now.

Deep breath. It's time to be queen.

Meeting ED

Today Rayne and I met with the special ed director of her school. She (I'll just call her ED) tried to get Rayne to test with her like she had done with the teacher a month or so ago. Is it possible it could have gone worse than the initial test? Apparently so.

I suppose in fairness Rayne did tell me she wasn't going to do it and I should maybe just be glad she went with me without putting up a fight. But she demonstrated very aggressive behavior. I literally had to hold onto her to keep her from kicking, punching, scratching ED. And boy can my girl give some mean, threatening looks! Lately she does this mean face and holds up a fist like she's threatening to hit you. It was awful.

ED was very kind and patient. She has experience with this stuff! I felt like it was a good conversation to have had and that I learned something but by the time we got to the car, I felt like crying and I didn't even know what the conversation was about.

ED said that in a traditional, "brick and mortar" setting they take aggressive behavior very seriously. Hitting a teacher would not be tolerated at all. Rayne would probably be put in a special class and they would have to do things like a safety plan for her to participate in field trips. It was all very depressing. This is my beautiful, brilliant girl they are talking about! The alternate setting would be very structured and address behavior and maybe in a year or two, Rayne could assimilate into the regular classroom.
As for their school, an online school, there isn't a lot they can do because they aren't the ones dealing with it face to face everyday. They can come up with a behavior plan and it would be mostly teaching me how to implement it all. She said "it is exhausting."

I am exhausted. There are days when I hate school. There I times when I guiltily wish I could send her to someone else and have them deal with it. Maybe it would snap her out of it or something. I feel like a failure because I don't know how to fix it, I haven't fixed it already, it exists at all.

ED is going to call Rayne's teacher tomorrow morning and then they will contact me to talk further.

I talked to Jeff for a bit tonight (he's at work). He is very much against sending Rayne to the brick and mortar school. I think even more so after what I told him ED's recommendation would be. He was always in "resource" (I don't know if that's the PC word but that's what he calls it so it's the term I'll use) for behavioral issues, not a learning disability. That's exactly how ED explained it. There isn't an intellectual problem, it's behavior. But, according to Jeff, he had to work at the level of people who were mentally challenged, learning disabled etc and so he was never challenged, never learned anything and got bored so he'd act out more.
This is good to know. That's not what I want for my girl. The whole reason we are doing school at home is because I want to feed her intellectually even though we don't know what to do behaviorally.

So I guess I'll see what ED and teacher say tomorrow and go from there. It would be good to have the help in helping Rayne. To know some tools and how to approach things.
Still, thinking in terms of "aggression" I feel a bit more able to see what I need to do just because we put that label on it.

Sigh. I am so tired. I really want to go to the library. Maybe I could read and learn how to help "aggressive" behavior and Rayne and Caius could just learn from reading. It's not a bad idea...