We went into the counselor's office where we'd been two times before for the evaluation. She talked to me for a minute and then tried to get Rayne to play some games and do some activities. Rayne responded to some, others she refused. And then it was over and she was getting her fruit snack and sticker to go home.
I felt a bit disappointed and wondered if it had been worth our time. Nothing was said to me about what we were going to do or what we did or what the point was or what was learned or what I should be working on at home or how to help us. But as I drove and as I've talked to Jeff and to myself since I figured I'm a smart person and I can still learn from it.
One activity we did was simply sitting at the table with markers and a blank sheet of paper to color. Rayne wouldn't sit in her own chair, but had to sit on my lap. At home, she has LOVED drawing on paper with markers. Our fridge is covered in her work. But it took some encouragement from Kate (the counselor) to get her going. At first Rayne told her she only knows how to draw circles. Kate said that was okay, we were just going to fill the page with squiggles. She then took a marker herself and even drew on the table to show Rayne it was okay. She asked Rayne to pick a marker for herself and for Mom. Usually very in charge and telling me what to do, Rayne hesitated and had me pick for both of us. Once she got going she seemed okay but when she drew on the table accidentally, she said oops and looked shy or nervous. It was only when Kate said "is that a big deal? NO! You probably can't do it at home, but it's okay here" that Rayne was able to relax and really enjoy it.
This combined with the way Rayne reacted and resisted other activities made me really see the fear in her. I mean, I've seen it before, that's why we're going to therapy, but it's usually with other people and a lot going on, not in her play. The diagnosis for Rayne is that she has generalized anxiety disorder. Kate says it's the worst she's seen because there isn't something specific she's afraid of that we can help her with (like bugs, the dark etc). When she said it, I thought she meant Rayne specifically is worse than she's seen but I've wondered since if she just meant that it's the worst type of anxiety because it's generalized.
Anyway, of course I feel a lot of guilt. I keep searching for what I've done, what I do or don't do that has made this happen to my little girl. I know, I know, I can't do that to myself blah blah blah. It's there and I feel it and it's part of what I have to work through.
The crayon thing made me wonder how much I intimidate her or if I'm more rigid than I realize. I mean I obviously know I'm hard on myself and am uptight, but I thought I was encouraging to my children. I put the couch cushions on the floor to jump on. I play in the play-dough with them. I scribble on the paper. But maybe I do worry about messes and go crazy when things are all scattered and unorganized. And, since this day and thinking about this, I realize how much I tell Rayne no and "aaah!" and "be careful" and "okay but don't make a mess" etc.
It made me think of a movie Jeff and I watched before we were married called "Yours, Mine, and Ours." It's about a mixed family and the dad is in the military and that's how he's been raising his kids- rules, schedules, rigidity. The mom is an artist and raises her kids with freedom and creativity and mess. Jeff and I talked about which parent we thought we'd be like and what we thought we should be like. It was funny to me because he was already the fun, relaxed one in the relationship and I, obviously, have always been about rules and lists and schedules etc. But he wanted to be the strict one and felt like kids need that and that he would have been better off in that kind of structured environment. I wanted to be like the mom. I believed that kids need freedom to express themselves and make messes and explore their world. I wondered the other night if I need to remember that. If I should be more like that. I've said before I want to be the "hippie" mom.
The next morning, when Rayne was having her third total and complete breakdown in two hours, I thought "BUT SOMEBODY HAS TO TAKE CHARGE AROUND HERE!!!" Perhaps it's our lack of structure making everything crazy. I'd just been reading how important it is for kids, especially anxious kids, to have structure and guidance so they feel safe and like someone is in control and able to take care of them. We need rules! Less t.v., less sugar, more vegetables, bedtimes...
Okay, so I think the "right" answer is some sort of perfect balance. Mealtimes, bedtimes, definite rules about some things. And I think this Mama needs to step up and really be more of a presence (not, I hope, that I'm a total doormat at the moment, but some days it does feel close!) But maybe this mama also needs to relax and not be so fussy and cautious and meddling.
???
Thoughts? How do you achieve this balance? Do you lean more toward one way of thinking/being than the other? What works at your house?
Or, looking back, what would have done differently?
