Sometimes I wish someone would follow me around with a camera...

Yesterday, Rayne asked if she could "rock him lullaby" as I was holding Caius. I put her on my lap and held him on hers. She held on to him and talked to him and I sang silly songs. I really could only see the tops and sides of their heads, but it was the cutest thing ever! It might just be my happiest moment as a mom yet.

Little Mermaid

Rayne is very happy to have grandparents that now have a swimming pool they are excited to share with grandkids. She's had her first experiences swimming this week.
She was so excited to get in the water she was running around saying "let's get in! let's get in!" And of course she wouldn't hold still or smile for the camera. I think she's seen a few shows with mermaids and fish swimming so she naturally assumed she could swim like one. She had NO intimidation at all. I don't want her to be afraid of things but sometimes I wish she and her daddy would realize she's just little and it wouldn't hurt to be a bit more cautious. Oh well, she had TONS of fun! And no one got sunburned!

Two Months

Caius is two months old today. He had his well child check up and got three shots! He is not handling them well. He has slept a lot today but when he's not sleeping, he's crying and hard to comfort. Poor little guy...
Well, he's not so little! He now weighs 14 pounds 4 ounces and is 23 1/2 inches long. When we went in for his follow up check up a couple days after coming home from the hospital, he had lost almost a pound from birth weight. The doctor was concerned but my milk was just coming in and so they had me come in the next day wanting to keep a close eye on things. The next day he had gained nearly a pound. The doctor thought perhaps the scale had been wrong but said there was nothing to worry about. Today when he saw him, the doctor said "he's chunked up well! Good job!" One of the first things the nurse said when he was born was a comment on how big he was. I love it! I called him a marshmallow the other day which isn't nice in grown up world but it's really cute and has kinda stuck in baby world. He's a snuggly, cuddly little guy and I just adore him!
A few posts ago, Ben commented on him looking like a warrior. When I read that, the primary song "Army of Heleman" came in my mind (I don't know if it's army or armies? And at the moment, I can't spell Helaman?). The lesson for women is always that it was the boys' mothers that taught them to be so brave and faithful. Now that I have a son, I think that is definitely something to aspire to. I call Caius my little warrior.
Caius is also my Prince Charming. I know that's a rather cliched nickname, but one day I called him that and it just felt so true. Perhaps Prince Charming isn't a romantic thing now. Perhaps he's my little man who's going to be my faithful, true, strong, protector of what is right. Besides all that, he has a really great smile that could charm the socks off of anyone.
Caius is a sweet, mellow baby. He has his times when he can really cry, but most the time I can fix it and he calms down fast. So far he smiles easily at people and seems quite happy most the time. I really have fallen in love with him. I love being a mom to a son!

What She Thinks

Rayne went to her 2 year old check up last Thursday. Today she talked on my cell phone and this is what she said:
Mommy had to go to the doctor. It was sad...
I didn't want to be naked (they made her undress to her diaper)...
We looked at my ears...
It was kind of sad...
Well, bye bye.

JoAnna Theories

Last week was incredibly rough. I could not stop crying. I was very short of patience and felt quite hopeless. I was so down on myself feeling like I am completely failing at this job. I have felt invisible, as if nothing I say or think or try to do even shows up to people, let alone makes any difference even in the little world I'm trying to create. By the weekend I thought I was cracking up. I don't mean to sound so extreme, but I have really been feeling this way.

Yesterday, Monday, was a completely different day. What changed? I think it was that I spent the day pretty much alone with my babies. It's not that I don't love my people or that the help I've received hasn't been invaluable, so PLEASE, those of you reading this, don't take this the wrong way, I'm just trying to figure this out... The weekend was really busy. I went to Mom's and saw people I haven't seen in a long time and that was GREAT! At home (where we live), the weekends are always a bit of a flurry. Jeff's nephew was here again and he's a bit of a handful, always wanting Jeff's attention and doing sneaky little things to try to get Rayne upset and/or in trouble. I think, especially that I'd been feeling so overwhelmed all week long, I was just worn out by the end of the weekend. So, having Monday with just me and my babies was a chance to catch my breath. I got them both bathed. Rayne ate real food. Rayne and I played and laughed. Caius took a long peaceful nap.
Perhaps what I feel and maybe even what Rayne feels simply comes down to being introverted. I need my alone time. I need it in order to restore my energies, to get in touch with my own thoughts, to simply catch my breath. I've always felt like people think it's such a bad thing. But it's not. I just need to recognize and remember it and take care of myself, and perhaps my children, that way.

Here's another thought. I've been really scared of taking the babies out by myself. Every time we've had somewhere to go, I've had help. Saturday I needed to go to a store for just a couple things and I could not get it through my head how it was even going to work, mostly being afraid of getting two kids out of the car and safely through a parking lot to get to a store. Finally, I just did it. I thought quit worrying, complaining etc and just get it done. We went and guess what? We did just fine!
I felt so accomplished! Like I'd really done something hard. As I drove home and they both went to sleep I thought that sometimes I feel frustrated because "everyone" (it could just be the voices in my head) treats me like I'm so helpless and incapable (perhaps they are just trying to help- again, don't take it personally, I could not survive without the help I've had!) but in the end, I'm always left alone. Perhaps I treat me like I can't do anything. But I CAN! It was a small accomplishment, but an important one. I NEED to know that I have some control or ability or decision making power in my little world. I CAN DO THIS! I just need the time and the space...

Picture Page

Invisible no more

In a rare moment of clarity, it suddenly became very clear in my mind how wrong it would be for a child to have an invisible mother. I don't mean invisible like she's not there taking care of them. I mean my children need to have their mother at her fullest and complete self. They need to see who I am- my education, my talents, my interests, my style, even what I find important enough or pretty enough to hang on the wall. If they don't have that, how will they know who they are? What they stand for or are made from?