Bedtime Stories

I've been working for over a month on the whole "sleep training" thing. At almost four months old, I could put Caius to bed at 10 and he'd sleep until 4. Then, suddenly, he started getting up every two hours! If he ever slept for three or four hours straight, it felt like forever!
They say babies need to learn to self soothe. That we all wake up in the night, but as adults we know how to go back to sleep without even being aware of it. Babies however will look for whatever they went to sleep with- being held, fed, a pacifier, etc. So, the answer is to leave them alone to go to sleep and to go back to sleep. There are a few variations I've read about. You can go in and pat their back to get them back to sleep. Waiting a few minutes before going in and extending the wait time over a few nights. Etc. What I've read has said that if you are consistent and do it right, sleep training takes only a few nights.
I've taken very small steps feeling like I was working so hard but never really doing it I guess. We've been sick, teething, etc. which all gets in the way. In the end, I'm still getting up every couple of hours and I'm exhausted! And the more I read on the subject, the more I worry that it's harming my baby. I'm failing him by not letting him figure this out- by interfering too much. All in all, I feel like a failure.
I've been keeping a journal and wanting to blog in hopes that somebody somewhere will say something that will click. Disagree with me, encourage me, help me. I feel alone and I feel like I'm failing miserably! I figured I'd start with last night's entry...



Last night was ROUGH. Caius finally had two decent naps yesterday so he wasn't ready to go to bed until closer to 8. He went to sleep in his crib (rather than falling asleep nursing) and didn't wake up in his typical less than an hour. When he did wake up at 10, it took less than five minutes to help him back to sleep. I thought we were off to a good start.
But then he was up again by 11, crying pretty hard. I have been trying to not feed him at night. He's been eating and going to bed early enough that I think he needs to eat at 10 and then try to wait until at least 4. It was our first step. Last night he ate late enough I thought we'd try to go all the way to 4 (the doctor says he doesn't need to eat at night AT ALL!). So, when he got up at 11, I thought it was time to be strong and get us through it. These are the teaching times when he'll learn to go without it and that will teach him to sleep!
Well, he CRIED for an hour. Not fussed, CRIED! I changed him, we walked, talked, prayed- I even turned a light on and tried to play. I tried rocking him, I tried putting him back in his crib.
After an hour, I was done for. How could this be good for my baby!?!? How do I know it's even doing any good and will work!? I got so mad at all the things I've read, the doctors and people I've talked to. I'm supposed to leave him alone to cry and not eat and let him figure it out on his own!?! I prayed and cried , not understanding why God wouldn't just give my baby sleep and fix all this!? I felt so alone. So frustrated. So helpless and hopeless.
Needing to get out my anger, I picked up a toy (Caius was in his crib by the way) and threw it, not thinking it was a clunky toy and would be loud. It scared Caius and he cried harder. Jeff jumped out of bed faster than he knew he could move. I felt really stupid.
It helped a lot to have Jeff up. We decided it wasn't working and the boy needed to eat and I fed him. He ate a lot, not like he was just using it to fall asleep but like he was hungry. And then he slept.
Jeff and I talked for a while. It really helped and I went to bed thinking "see, God does hear my prayers. I just don't always know how to listen." And I think that must be the answer. I'm trying so hard to do this right and follow the rules that I didn't listen to my baby saying he was hungry. I may have even felt an inkling from God to go ahead and feed him. But I was so set on being strong and following through and doing the right thing that I missed it.
As Jeff said, and I guess I forget, every situation is different. I keep trying to find the answer, our plan- schedule, rules! But even on the same kid, each situation is different. I need to listen to THAT!
Sometimes I wonder if I'm really so hard wired to be uptight or if my need for rules and control weren't for survival? If maybe, if I felt safe, I could relax and let go? If in my head I'm set one way, but my heart has always ached to be something different...