A Rambling Attempt to Ask for Advice

I am sad today that I don't think my kids are getting the love and nurturing and patience I want to give them and feel they deserve. I know that a lot of times the way I am acting is a reaction to something not even the thing I'm responding to. Like if I'm mad at Jeff, Rayne receives the brunt of it because it comes out when I'm frustrated and trying to deal with her tantrums. It's not fair, it's not right and I'm feeling more and more unable to help it. I try to think about what really is bothering me so that I'm not just an angry or bitter or frustrated or heartbroken person and letting that all come out on my precious babies without realizing it. And, as I try to see the big picture, I try SO hard to think of how I'm going to fix those bigger things so that life can be perfect and ideal or at least better and normal. I know you can't blame everything else and you have to take responsibility and I really do try to make the most of my situations but sometimes it is so frustrating because I really believe I would do better if things were better.
A friend I've known for a very long time recently told me about some problems her brother has had because of bullying (to say problems and bullying makes it sound so simple but it's not my place to tell the story. Let me just note that it's some BIG stuff the guy has had to deal with). I know that people would say that the guy should have done this or could have stopped there etc, but knowing my friend and her family, I'm well convinced that the poor guy was doing the very best he could to deal with what was going on. We so much want to believe in choice and that people are never victimized that we forget to look at their insides and understand that there is a reason they do what they do and perhaps it really IS the best they can.
I remember my 9th grade English teacher telling us that as we read Romeo and Juliet we might wonder why they went to such extremes. Why didn't she just run away or tell her dad no? But, he explained, there were things within the culture and the times that made it impossible. She really did have no choice.
So what does that have to do with me? I really sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself to make such comparisons and no, things aren't that bad or that extreme. But, I do feel like I'm reaching the end of some rope. I am exhausted. Some things happened about a week ago to really shake up my little world and I feel like I'm freaking out. The thing is, to some of the people that have the most ability to help me or be with me etc, it's not a big deal or perhaps they don't understand why I react the way I do. And I can talk all day long and feel like they still don't get it.
But that's my problem. I CAN'T talk all day long. Words fail me. I don't know how to say what I need let alone do anything about it. And even then, there's really nothing I CAN do about it. I feel stuck.
So rather vague explanation of what's in my head, in part because I'm too tired to try to explain it all, but also because I tend to forget that blogs are public, cry out to those of you I love and trust the most, and then feel dumb for putting so much junk out there for anyone to see.
And I'm back to my beautiful, precious babies that I love and adore more than life itself. I want to be better. I like to think I'm doing okay as a mom, but there are things I wish were different. I want to give them the best of me, all of me. I want to give them the world. How do I do that!?

Loves of my Life!

Rayne usually runs and tells me no when I want to take a picture of her. I'm not sure where she got this from but getting a picture of her with Caius has been hard to do. Especially since I usually have to hold at least one of them and work the camera! But today she let me take some pictures of them sitting on the couch together. Ahhh, my pretty babies!
She was actually trying to "help" him after I told them to "look at mommy." The look on his face is priceless!

Happy 4th

Holidays have become more and more important to me. I'm not sure why, I just know that they are something I really want to "do well" as a mom. The 4th of July is one of my favorites. I think it's important to eat hot dogs and drink Black Cherry soda and visit grandparents and see some sort of fireworks. I guess I'm working on the whole starting a tradition thing.
We didn't eat hot dogs, we ate deli sandwiches. But we did have potato salad and sit outside for a picnic. I think the best part of my day was playing outside with Rayne and Caius in Rayne's new little swimming pool.
Even Caius liked getting his feet wet, until Rayne pored water on him and he screamed. I scolded her for it, but I don't think she cared. She continued to make attempts through out the rest of our time outside.
Jeff found on the internet that Tooele high school was doing some kind of concert and fireworks. I figured we could get close enough to hear some music and see some fireworks without getting right in the crowd or scaring the kids. But, when we got there, there was nothing going on. Turns out it was done on Saturday, not Monday. So, not sure what else to do, I went in to Walmart and bought a few little fountains for us to set off in the driveway. I thought that Rayne is young enough just a few will be exciting and the more the night went on, the more it was obvious that I was the only one to really care.
I think Rayne liked what we did and I felt accomplished that at least we did something (I'm being positive so I won't explain that this really was an accomplishment).

Sometimes I wish someone would follow me around with a camera...

Yesterday, Rayne asked if she could "rock him lullaby" as I was holding Caius. I put her on my lap and held him on hers. She held on to him and talked to him and I sang silly songs. I really could only see the tops and sides of their heads, but it was the cutest thing ever! It might just be my happiest moment as a mom yet.

Little Mermaid

Rayne is very happy to have grandparents that now have a swimming pool they are excited to share with grandkids. She's had her first experiences swimming this week.
She was so excited to get in the water she was running around saying "let's get in! let's get in!" And of course she wouldn't hold still or smile for the camera. I think she's seen a few shows with mermaids and fish swimming so she naturally assumed she could swim like one. She had NO intimidation at all. I don't want her to be afraid of things but sometimes I wish she and her daddy would realize she's just little and it wouldn't hurt to be a bit more cautious. Oh well, she had TONS of fun! And no one got sunburned!

Two Months

Caius is two months old today. He had his well child check up and got three shots! He is not handling them well. He has slept a lot today but when he's not sleeping, he's crying and hard to comfort. Poor little guy...
Well, he's not so little! He now weighs 14 pounds 4 ounces and is 23 1/2 inches long. When we went in for his follow up check up a couple days after coming home from the hospital, he had lost almost a pound from birth weight. The doctor was concerned but my milk was just coming in and so they had me come in the next day wanting to keep a close eye on things. The next day he had gained nearly a pound. The doctor thought perhaps the scale had been wrong but said there was nothing to worry about. Today when he saw him, the doctor said "he's chunked up well! Good job!" One of the first things the nurse said when he was born was a comment on how big he was. I love it! I called him a marshmallow the other day which isn't nice in grown up world but it's really cute and has kinda stuck in baby world. He's a snuggly, cuddly little guy and I just adore him!
A few posts ago, Ben commented on him looking like a warrior. When I read that, the primary song "Army of Heleman" came in my mind (I don't know if it's army or armies? And at the moment, I can't spell Helaman?). The lesson for women is always that it was the boys' mothers that taught them to be so brave and faithful. Now that I have a son, I think that is definitely something to aspire to. I call Caius my little warrior.
Caius is also my Prince Charming. I know that's a rather cliched nickname, but one day I called him that and it just felt so true. Perhaps Prince Charming isn't a romantic thing now. Perhaps he's my little man who's going to be my faithful, true, strong, protector of what is right. Besides all that, he has a really great smile that could charm the socks off of anyone.
Caius is a sweet, mellow baby. He has his times when he can really cry, but most the time I can fix it and he calms down fast. So far he smiles easily at people and seems quite happy most the time. I really have fallen in love with him. I love being a mom to a son!

What She Thinks

Rayne went to her 2 year old check up last Thursday. Today she talked on my cell phone and this is what she said:
Mommy had to go to the doctor. It was sad...
I didn't want to be naked (they made her undress to her diaper)...
We looked at my ears...
It was kind of sad...
Well, bye bye.