To Ben

I feel bad you didn't get pictures sooner. If it makes you feel any better, I'm the mom and have been a little busy. It seems like everyone took pictures and is posting things on Facebook, but no one is sending me any pictures!
Anyway, this is a video I keep debating putting on here. For one, it looks like my nightgown thing is falling off. For two, you can't see the baby very well. And, the sound isn't very good. But, it does show Rayne seeing Caius for the first time, which was the point. So, if this works, this is to share with you! I miss you guys tons! Thanks for caring :)

Caius Alexander

Cutest Girl in the World

I often tell Rayne she's the "cutest girl in the world." It started because of a song I heard. I don't think I've ever even heard the whole song. I just heard that line in a movie. I started singing it to her and she quickly learned the follow up "uh-hu." It was really cute!
I also tell Rayne she's the cutest girl in the world because I honestly believe she is. Not only is she just beautiful, her features, her white blonde hair, her big blue eyes... but she just shines. Her personality. Her presence. I suppose as a mother, but also as a girl, I just want her to somehow know that she is just perfect the way she is. Someday when she's 12 or 16 she needs to know her cuteness comes not from clothes, make-up, or hair. It's just who she is that she needs to believe in. She is absolutely perfect.
Rayne is also super smart. I don't really know if she's any smarter than any other two year old, but that doesn't even matter. She amazes me everyday with her thinking, her figuring, her observing. One day it just kind of dawned on me that I never tell her she's the smartest girl in the world, just that she is smart. I think I realized this because I went to say it and it didn't really make sense. More importantly, it didn't even matter. I know there will always be smarter people but that in no way detracts from her mind and her smartness.
I guess it made me wonder. Even given the reasoning I'm trying to express above about just trying to emphasize how cute and beautiful she is, is it really just being superficial? And perhaps I'm comfortable with the brains (thinking more of myself than her) because people always told me I was smart, even when I didn't think I was. I was able to do something with that and develop that and accomplish something. As for being cute? People always told me I was cute, until I was about 12 and probably needed to hear it the most. I suppose it becomes awkward to tell a kid that age that they are "the cutest girl in the world" but maybe because I didn't feel it and people stopped saying it, I thought I wasn't. And even though the whole self esteem thing is also something I had to work on and develop, feeling like you look good, while I do believe it's important, isn't as much of an accomplishment as we'd like to think.
I don't know... just some thoughts that felt interesting but probably aren't.... :)

My Girl

Jeff's mom took these pictures. I think Rayne looks so beautiful! I feel like you can see the little girl she's growing into.
And look! She's smiling! I don't know why we have such a hard time getting that on camera.
I think she gets her good looks from her mother.

Less than two weeks 'til due day

We don't get the best radio reception where we live. But, there is a little radio in the kitchen here that I'll turn on if I'm home alone (meaning Jeff's in bed and it's just me and Rayne) and I'm trying to clean up. A while back, I found one station that I used to think was for "old people" (not that I didn't like it). I was surprised at all the good stuff they were playing. Saturday, I had the radio on that station again. There were some songs I haven't heard in a long time and used to love. I thought they should at least give me a pleasant nostalgic feeling but instead I found them quite silly. Not fun silly. Annoying silly. And the songs I never did like? They were infuriating! I couldn't believe that anyone would MAKE such songs, let alone that someone would think they were good enough to put on the radio! And the really frustrating thing? I'm sure there are people who like them! I was seriously getting annoyed.
I am very pregnant. My feet have again swollen to hobbit-like proportions and are very sympathetic to hot dogs right before they split open. I hurt to walk. I can't stand up and breathe at the same time. I lose my patience way too easily. Etc, etc, etc. By Sunday night, I was feeling things that made me really wonder if I was starting labor. I kind of hoped so but I also got scared.
I feel kind of guilty that I've complained so much this pregnancy. I am excited for this baby. I am very grateful to be pregnant again. I think I complain as a way of asking for help. Or so that I don't feel so stupid about having a hard time getting anything done.
Anyway... I have felt strangely good today. Not so much physically, although that has been better too- even my feet haven't been so swollen. But emotionally, I've just felt calm and happy. I spent a VERY pleasant day with Rayne. She has been so sweet and calm today too. I've felt happy and excited today. I even did a lot of nothing and didn't feel guilty about it.
Jeff's step dad keeps teasing us that the storm is coming; we're going to have Rayne and Snow (no, we're not naming him snow. He's just being funny). Perhaps today was the calm before the storm. I'm very determined to ride out the hard parts with thanks and happiness. I really love my children!

How am I?

Jeff recently started a new job. I mentioned one in November but it ultimately lasted only two weeks and that's all we'll say about that. I think this is week three on this new one. He's working nights, 10 p.m. until 7 a.m., doing stock at Wal-Mart. It's a very physically demanding job, which he wanted, and he loves working nights. He also thought this would be good so that he can be home during the day with the family. His normal routine was starting to be playing WoW (an online game) until about 2 in the morning and then sleeping until about 10. I felt like a night job would be okay. I was kind of used to sleeping alone and having some of the day by myself. Plus, I would like his help etc during the day.
I think we both forgot that he has to sleep a good amount during the day and I'm starting to feel quite lonely. Sadly, I don't just mean that I miss him but that I'm feeling overwhelmed and like "do I really have to do everything alone?" I try to tell myself it's no different than him working during the day and there have been a few days that have been really nice. Rayne and I play and do laundry etc and I really enjoy our time together.
I think it's a bit rough right now because there is a house guest staying here (he's been here 3+ weeks with at least one more to go) occupying the basement, ie. family room where a lot of Rayne's toys and the t.v. are. We still can be down there, but he talks a lot and watches really boring t.v. The last few days, Rayne has warmed up to him and he plays ball with her and I think it's good for both of them. I'm sure a lot of it is awkward me. I try to remember he just needs someone to talk to.
I have a lot of aches and pains lately. I really can't stand up very long and it's getting almost impossible to get up and down the stairs. Yesterday, I sat on the floor to organize and put groceries away in the freezer and on a pantry shelf. I couldn't get up! I mean, I couldn't even attempt at getting up. Jeff had to lift me completely with his own strength. My hero! I have to laugh, but it is kind of discouraging. When we go to the grocery store, I drive one of those little carts because I can't walk through the store without being in pain. It's embarrassing but necessary. Yesterday I told myself that for all people know my doctor told me not to walk so I have to drive it. That helped and I'm just so grateful the things exist! Just a few more weeks!
At my last doctor appointment, we talked about the possibility of inducing me. I guess conditions have to be right and I'd have to be 39 weeks anyway, but it seems like it would be for convenience. There is some concern about getting there in time considering Jeff's working nights and we live a bit of a distance from the hospital. But, I kind of feel like it's something that should just happen on its own as long as everything is going okay. I've read a bit about induction and felt convinced that I don't want to unless it really is necessary, but I still find myself considering it.
Rayne has been sleeping in her crib since about November. We finally had a doctor say something that clicked and one night I just went for it. The first night was rough, but she's been so good about it since. She actually prefers to sleep in her own bed. And, she sleeps through the night at least half the time. When I do get up with her, most the time I can just fix her blanket and rub her back and she goes right back to sleep.
Occasionally, she lets out a pretty good scream. I don't know if she's just frustrated with the blanket or having a bad dream or what. It always scares me. Sometimes she settles right back to sleep and sometimes she cries and needs little or lots of attention. Last night she screamed and I thought went back to sleep. It's so hard for me to move, I didn't even roll over. But then she started crying pretty hard and I knew she needed me. By the time I got to her, her feet were on the side of the crib and she was doing some kind of head stand on her pillow. She was stuck. I don't know what she was trying to do? It's kind of funny, but it kind of scared me. She could hurt herself! After that, she wanted to sit with me and she slept in my bed. It was kind of nice to snuggle her, it's been so long since she's slept with me. But, not being used to sleeping with her and having such a hard time being comfortable anyway, I didn't get much sleep last night.

Defining Moments

Today as I washed dishes, I watched out the window as two horses frolicked in the spring snow. Yes, frolicked. They jumped and batted and played with each other like dogs do, only much more gracefully and the snow was lightly falling around them. There was a time when I would have imagined that scene, not just the horses, but me pregnant with a baby playing happily on the floor and thought my life was perfect.

...

I don't know what we were talking about. I think I was telling my mom about a friend who is always posting on Facebook and telling me in emails about her hobbies, school, etc. This friend is almost as pregnant as I am and her daughter is about six weeks older than Rayne. Sometimes I feel like maybe I am doing something wrong when people can do these things and I can't even manage to get my hair done. But as I talked, something clicked. More than just a feeling, I felt something, a knowing perhaps, inside that I don't really care. I AM doing things the way I want to do them and the way I think they should be done. Imagine that.

...

For one reason or another, I spent a minute on Facebook the other day. It started that I was looking to see if any news had been posted about someone I care about. One thing led to another and I looked at an old friend's page. I've known this friend since junior high school and she had a baby right after high school graduation. Don't do the math, but her daughter is now 16 years old. I haven't seen this friend for a long time, but it's been since Rayne was born. I haven't seen the daughter in even longer and remember her as this cute, spunky kid that frankly I worried would be driven to rebellion by her mother. I saw a picture of the daughter and I couldn't even recognize her. I wondered and worried how she is doing.
Something caught my attention so I also looked through this friend's friend list. There were a lot of people that I knew, or at least knew of, in high school, some even dating back to elementary school. I don't really know what I learned from this but something happened. I felt light and like laughing. These weren't the kids I knew or was too intimidated to know. These were just people, grown up people. Not impressive people. People I wouldn't notice, let alone recognize if I saw them on the street. Perhaps by seeing them, I could let go of my high school self and realize that I'm just living my life, just like all of them. Nobody is looking? I thought I'd let go of high school a long time ago, but it was almost as if I was freed of thinking that life is about living in such a way you can go to your high school reunion and present the finished version of yourself.