I had just finally cleaned up Rayne's room. Getting ready for bed, I left the kids alone for just long enough to go to the bathroom. By the time I got back, this is what I found. Rayne had pulled every toy out of it's place and thrown it on the floor. "I'm sharing EVERYTHING with Caius!" she said. How sweet of her.

Catching up on some pictures

Sometime around Christmas, the kids discovered the joy of playing in the laundry. They tipped over a basket I had sitting in the hallway and that was that. I tried for a while to keep a basket of clean laundry available, but then I got really lazy about matching socks, had to search through the basket to find pairs which I totally hate, and some of the novelty wore off so I finally folded things and put them away. But, Rayne still gets excited to play in the laundry. She loves to be buried and to bury Caius. And one day we made a game out of throwing sock "snowballs" into the basket. What fun!

Trying to say something about reality

Recently a friend was telling me of her latest trial and what she was doing to get through it. I was surprised by some of my reactions, not to her and her situation in particular but to the thoughts about how we get answers and know what to do and how to figure life out.
We are taught about inspiration and divine guidance. I definitely believe in these things. I come from a highly intuitive family and know that if I'm worried about someone, I better make sure they are okay because there probably is a reason they are on my mind.
But sometimes lately I question the reality that lies in our minds. It seems that what is really out there is often SO different than the feelings and thoughts in here.
As I read scriptures and conference talks lately, I'm almost shocked that I keep seeing the message that God doesn't do things FOR us, He gives us the power and strength to do them ourselves. Perhaps that sounds silly. I know He doesn't just come down and solve all our problems. I've just always given credit for any and all success to divine intervention. I've never really felt that my problems were "given" to me in a tailor made way, but I have felt led through them and sometimes even better off for them. So it does surprise me a bit to think that .... what? I'm not sure of my point yet...
I have felt a lot of prayers lately have been answered with what I would call a heavy dose of reality. I keep praying about things that I absolutely KNOW I have no strength, knowledge or ability to do on my own, knowing that I really NEED the help, only to feel that the situation gets worse instead of better. For example, praying that the baby will sleep better at night because I just cannot do another hard night only to be faced with several worse nights than ever. I don't really get that.
And yet, perhaps another situation will illustrate what I'm talking about here. I was really praying about something that I just did not have means, mental or monetary, to deal with. I really felt sure that God could fix the situation and save me from this and in this case it would be totally acceptable for Him to do so- my own little miracle. But, as I mentioned, the situation got worse rather than better. As I sat crying and feeling myself giving up and feeling completely overcome by an outside force of life as if fate or something was conspiring against me, deciding that I just had to play the hand I was dealt, I DID feel something inside me say "no! I will not have it this way. It IS up to me and I will just have to raise to the challenge and take care of it."
In that moment, it didn't matter what parents, husband, or, in some way not to be blasphemous, God had to say. This is MY life and MY home and MY family and I WILL take care of this upset.
It was a strange feeling for me to have. I don't know that I've ever felt like that before. I think I've always felt like I had to deal with what life gave me, wait for the time to be right or inspiration to strike or at least to have some sort of confirmation to move forward in my own thinking.

When I was quite young I had a very personal, spiritual experience that influenced choices for a very long time to come. It was something I thought I had been told to do, something to wait for in a way. Well, this something never happened that way. I still don't understand. Perhaps I made up the experience or gave too much reality to it or something. But even now, knowing how my life all turned out, I can't say I didn't, at that time, KNOW something. So I don't get it. Was it not real? Did life just change it's mind?... My question really is just how do we know when it's real and what's real? And perhaps we are left to our own thinking more than we want to realize?
I've also been thinking about a conversation my brother and I had when we were in high school or just out. The thinking was something like this: Perhaps I grew up wanting to be a cheerleader only to get to high school and realize I would never be one. I was too shy, too big, and too afraid of heights. If I thought I really wanted this or was supposed to be this, I might be critical of those things in myself. But as an adult, I was learning to like me and I knew that it just wasn't who I was and that was okay.
My brother gave the example of wanting to be class president. He said you picture what's in your head almost like a movie montage; the music plays, you see snippets of doing things and laughing and being happy etc. What you don't see is the hard work it took to get there, the challenges, the hardships. And perhaps you think you want it, but when it comes to actually doing it and facing the hard things, you realize you don't because they just aren't worth it to you.
I guess what I'm saying with this is that even in what we think we are or what we want for ourselves, sometimes the reality on the outside is different than what's on the inside. Our very selves and desires are yet to be figured out by living it in cold hard person. It's like the physical, concrete part of life actually playing out is such a necessary, big thing. Perhaps that's why we had to experience earth life?

I don't know if I'm really making any sense. I feel a great big question mark looming over me and yet I feel closer to knowing something than ever.

Thoughts on being Mom

"... study their dispositions and their temperaments, and deal with them accordingly..." Brigham Young

Rayne- my soul, my little spit fire, brilliant, smart, sassy, sweet, aware, a little sponge for knowledge and emotions, emotional, needs things to go a certain way, bossy, caring, observant, perhaps fearful or careful, intuitive, strong physically and mentally

Caius- my heart song, sweet, sensitive, willpower (serious power/movement from his will), powerhouse, fierce, gentle, determined, focused, mellow, happy
............................................

To nurture = to cultivate, care for, and make grow


"I'm the parent; therefore it is my job to be with you in your daily life and to guide your development with as much love as I can harness moment to moment. I will treat you with care and respect and involve you in the decisions that impact your life as much as possible. I will listen to your feelings, respect your intuition, and help teach you how to use your gifts." from The Highly Intuitive Child by Catherine Crawford

Some days feel like a never ending power struggle.
I absolutely hate when books, the nanny shows, doctors, etc say that she's two and she's "testing" me or just having a tantrum. I KNOW she's not trying to hurt me or be manipulative. These are her honest to gosh emotions and she's entitled to them. But I am simply at a loss lately. She's two. And we already spend days just yelling at each other. It breaks my heart. I thought I would be so good at this but I am completely clueless. I am so disappointed in myself sometimes.
A typical conversation goes like this. Exasperated, I finally appeal to "mommy said no!" To which she replies, "but I said YES!" How can I argue with that logic??? I try to convince her, to show her, to persuade her, even to scare her into realizing that I am the mom and she needs to do what I say. I try to explain that I'm not being mean, some things just have to be done- like being nice to (ie not clobbering) your brother. But the more I try, the more she... well, acts just like I do. If I yell, she yells. If I plead, she pleads. She has no clue that I'm right and she needs to give in. Or follow directions. Or that I'm the boss.
She really tries to control everything, even what Caius plays with or how he plays. If I open a door, she closes it. If I sweep the floor, she comes and spreads the pile all over the floor. If I fold the laundry, she throws it around the house. In all of this, she's just having fun and exploring her world. But I KNOW I need to teach her better and be more in charge. She actually needs the structure and discipline etc. Besides the fact that I'm going crazy!

Some things I think I do believe about baby sleep

I feel like I've read a lot about babies sleeping and "sleep training," but I must admit my resources are limited. I tend to be the kind of person who believes everything I read or if a doctor said it, it must be true, so I try to do more critical thinking than that. I've especially tried lately to figure out what actually works and what I think I see/experience and what the kids are telling me. Anyway, here are a few things I think I do believe in...

Sleep Routine/Transition Time- It does make sense that they need to settle into sleep and to know it is time to sleep. And, especially with a kid like Rayne who absorbs everything and is hyper sensitive, they need time to let go of the day. She seems to do a lot better when we've taken the time to brush her teeth and hair, read books, talk about the day, say prayers, etc. I think she needs the time with me. I think she needs the calming and shifting gears.

Sleep associations- At first this idea seemed kinda crazy to me, until I read something that explained it better. I can put Caius to sleep in my arms, move him to his crib, he kind of wakes up, rolls over and goes back to sleep. So why in the world would he wake up later and be confused about where he was? Or be looking for whatever he went to sleep with? But perhaps that is true.
More importantly, what I've learned about this, is it's the way they go to sleep that's important. I'm sure I have "taught" him (I might argue that he has taught me!) that he can only go to sleep by nursing and snuggling up to Mama. So, when he wakes in the night, hungry or not, he's convinced he has to have that in order to go back to sleep. Let me say it more nicely, in terms I feel are more accurate. When he wakes in the night, hungry or not, he doesn't know how to go to sleep without it.
We worked so hard through December to break that habit. Then everyone got sick. And then, this last week has been especially necessary to just get him back to sleep the fastest, simplest, happiest way possible. So, we've reverted back to feeding him every couple hours at night! Aye! It's difficult no matter what!
What I'm not sure of is that it's not a problem getting him to sleep. The problem is keeping him sleeping at night. Would it really help to get him "putting himself to sleep?" As part of our efforts in December, he did go to sleep on his own... well, as much as this Mama can leave my baby alone. I would put him in his crib and sit with him, pat his back etc, to get him to sleep. So, probably he was still looking for me when he woke up- his new "sleep association"- and that's why it didn't make any difference to how well he slept???

Sleep cycles- They say babies start establishing more adult like sleep cycles around four months old. That's why he was such a good sleeper and then, BAM, no more. We supposedly all wake up throughout the night, but we have learned to put ourselves back to sleep without really waking. However, we do check our comfort levels then- roll over, adjust the pillow or blanket, etc. So, when baby goes to sleep in your arms and then wakes up alone, it's like he's lost his blanket and can't find it. We're back to sleep associations here. Sleep cycles just explains why they wake up so frequently. And, perhaps, I can buy into thinking that they need to learn to self soothe and put themselves back to sleep.
What I can't buy into is leaving them alone to do this! Every method I've read eventually has you leaving baby alone to figure it our for himself. Even the gentle, "no-cry" methods. With Rayne, at 15-18 months, it finally worked. I put her in her bed, rubbed her back and sang to her etc until she went to sleep and like magic she started sleeping through the night up to 50% of the time. Now, at 2 1/2, she still sleeps through the night only about half the time and I worry she's still looking for me, needing Mama in order to go back to sleep. Did I permanently scar her by not leaving her alone??? And is this really something Caius needs to learn on his own? Because it doesn't seem to work for me to try to help him through it. Perhaps I have not been consistent enough? Or perhaps I have not left him alone enough?
Perhaps when it comes down to it, I just don't want to NOT hold my baby and rock him to sleep etc. Isn't that okay? Can't we do that AND teach him to sleep through the night???

More Sleep Tales

Last night Caius was worn out by 6 o'clock. He usually is and I've had a particularly hard time getting him to take an afternoon nap lately so that doesn't help. I try to get him to stay up closer to 7 but the truth is, I'm so tired by that time of day and just craving a moment to myself (I feel guilty saying that) that I'm often anxious to get the kids to bed. So Caius was in bed before 7.
He was up twice by 7:15.
So, I kept him up for a while. I knew he was tired but I'm trying this week to follow his lead a bit just to see what he will do, see if it helps me figure any of this sleeping stuff out. I put both kids to bed by 8:15. Caius was up again by 9:15.
This is the point I start to worry. Is something hurting him? Is he EVER going to sleep? Will the whole night be like this? I tried to stay calm. Jeff was getting ready for work by now so I got Caius up again when he didn't seem to want to go back to sleep. After Jeff left, I nursed Caius some more (I was getting sore by now and was afraid his little tummy would be so full he'd hurt but he kept wanting it!). He still didn't go to sleep. Finally I lay him on my bed and rubbed his belly (surprisingly he held still- he really was tired!) and he finally went to sleep. I decided to try sleeping with him, something I've been afraid to do with him but did all the time with Rayne. I prayed about it then got up to brush my teeth and the poor little guy woke up AGAIN! I finished my stuff and took him into his crib and he was out pretty fast. It was after 10 by now.
But guess what! He slept until almost 2! That means I had almost 3 hours of sleep and if felt wonderful! Rayne got up first and Caius soon after. So, I took Caius into Rayne's bed and fed him while they both went back to sleep.
And guess what!? He slept until 5:30! That's another 3 hour block for me! I felt amazing! I fed him again and went back to sleep until Rayne had me up at 6:30. Thankfully, she let me sleep in my bed while she watched Super Why until Caius got up about 7.
It felt like a really good night after the rough start. It wasn't really so rough on me, I tried to stay calm and go with it. But poor little Caius!
Today he napped about 10 but for less than an hour. That's typical but I thought he'd sleep more because he was quite tired. Then we tried for a nap at 2, 3, 4:30 and he finally crashed at 5:30. Kind of late for a nap but I thought maybe if he's up later again, it will work again? He napped less than an hour. I got Rayne to bed before 8 (kind of early for her, but she NEEDS it!) and Caius has been playing with me since. Jeff is getting ready for work and I'm going to try to put Caius to bed. Perhaps will wait until Daddy leaves, but he's getting fussy.
I hope we sleep.