Talking

I feel contemplative today. I've been an ornery mess lately. Poor little Rayne gets the end of my patience almost everyday. My mom reminded me the other day that it's okay to not care- not care that she's throwing food around the house or having a tantrum or won't brush her teeth before insisting on the green Chapstick. I like to think I'd be a calmer person if I had my own space, if I wasn't worried that her messes are messing up someone else's house, her tantrums hurting someone else's ears etc. Maybe I'd be just as tired and short of patience. And, maybe it is okay to not care, even when I'm in someone else's space.
We had a good night's sleep last night- thank goodness! We all needed it. I feel much more calm and happy today. It's scary how much sleep affects me. Sometimes I'm sure I can't handle things just because I'm tired. And how differently I can view and handle things when I've slept. I keep telling myself that once I have the baby, my body can start to heal and I'll feel better. I forget about being up every few hours to feed him. The newborn part was the easy part with Rayne. I felt so good not being pregnant and she slept so well... better than expected anyway. But now I haven't had a full night's sleep in over two years and that worries me a bit.
I'm a lot more calm this time though. I think what I was imagining as the worst that could happen two years ago has now happened. So there's nothing (not as much anyway) to fear. And I'm home with my baby and that has been the greatest blessing ever. I used to say that I would give anything for that, I felt it was that important- so here we are. In someone else's house, moving every few months, and not knowing where we'll be for sure every few months. It's draining and exhausting but we're okay. We have a place to live, food to eat, and we have each other. As cliche as it is, that really is the important thing.
In my latest wave of bitterness, I sometimes think how "easy" it would be to send Rayne to daycare. All I'd have to do is get her dressed in the morning and feed and bathe her at night and wouldn't I look like the perfect mom? Her hair would always be combed and she'd wear cute clothes and my house (I'd have a house :) would always be pristine. I know it's not that easy for working mom's, but sometimes there are some I feel judge me so I like to lash back in my mind. But Rayne is a happy girl, despite the frustrated tantrums. And she is so smart and so secure- she's shy and cautious but not afraid of anything. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing as a mom, losing my cool too often and, being pregnant, much too lazy for her. But then I see her play with her baby doll or how she takes care of people and toys and dogs, and I think perhaps I am doing something right.
Everyday I worry about Jeff's mom coming home to a sink full of dirty dishes, not to mention toys everywhere etc. I try so hard to at least keep dishes done. But, I wash them in the morning and they pile up by the end of the day- sometimes even when I feel like all we've eaten all day is sandwiches on paper plates! I just feel so bad and hate the thought of her working all day and coming home to our mess in her house. But, the other night, she thanked me for doing dishes and told me how much she appreciates that I do that. I thought of course I do, it's our mess and apologized for not being better about them. Perhaps, as always, I judge myself too harshly.
Perhaps today, in a rested, happy state, I can let go of the pressures I put on myself. I can take the next 7-8 weeks before this baby comes to rest and calm down and gee, maybe even be happy and enjoy my life, my people, even my own thoughts.

Zoo

A few weekends ago, the weather was surprisingly warm for February. Jeff's mom got up and said, "It's a great day for the zoo." She gave us some money and off we went. It was a perfect day. Not too many people. We were warm in the sun with jackets on and Jeff and I were so excited for Rayne to see the animals. She was perfect!
Above is a picture of what they call a cavvy. They had lots of them in different shapes and sizes. It was a cute little guy who posed at the window for a picture... that is of course, like Rayne, as soon as I was ready for the picture, they both turned around. Oh well. You can at least see how close we were able to get to some of the animals and exhibits.

Rayne talked for several days about the giraffes and their long necks and eating the grass. From her point of view, we were at eye level!

I think the tiger exhibit is all new. Or maybe it's just been a long time since I've been to the zoo. At one part, the tiger was just on the other side of the (dirty) glass. I wanted to pet him.

There were more tigers on this side. Fortunately for Rayne, she has a tall, strong Daddy who could lift her up to see. The tiger in front seemed to pose for all the people. The sign on the post warns that tigers "spray." I was impressed by the size of the animals. I don't remember seeing tigers so big and strong looking. It was kind of awesome.

One of the first animals we saw were the elephants. Rayne, at first, was more excited about the big red ball. There's a baby elephant in there somewhere who eventually played with the ball, rolling all over it. It was really cute and made us laugh.
I really wanted to take Rayne to the zoo for her birthday last year. We finally decided she was still too young/little and it was too expensive anyway. This year, I'll probably be a bit busy on her birthday- at least too tired to walk around the zoo (wink, wink). So, this was a perfect day. We had so much fun!

Catching up on some pictures

This is at Uncle Georgie's. Notice how Rayne likes to hold ALL the toys at once. This is frustrating for her at times, when they just won't cooperate with her.

This is one of the first day's at Kelsey Grandma's new apartment. She wasn't sleeping, but she likes to play with little towels and blankets. She lays them out, folds them up, sits or lays on them.

This one is just cute. Rayne has become quite good at the stair climbing thing. It scares mommy.

Having tea with Kelsey Grandpa!

Last August/September Rayne's grandma brought home this little house. She loved it!

Christmas

I didn't take as many pictures at Christmas as I thought I would. We had a lot of fun though. Rayne is old enough to be excited by lights and Santa Clause and learning that reindeer can fly and young enough to not expect too much for presents etc. Luckily, Jeff worked for a while in November and I was able to do some fun things. And, Rayne has very generous grandparents. Above: Rayne's first coloring book. She got some kid friendly markers in her stocking, but they didn't turn out to be the greatest idea. We have since bought some washable crayons and she LOVES to color!
Santa brought a farm. Rayne knows a lot of her animals and animal sounds. The farm makes sounds when certain doors are open. She loves to line up the animals to watch Daddy play games or lay them on their noses so they are "sniffing" the ground.

This is Christmas morning. I had planned on her bathing and wearing some cute red jammies that she has, but we were out late the night before and she fell asleep on the way home. Thus, the dirty (but cute) clothes.
The quilt over the snowman box is one I started making probably just after I finished high school, just for fun and mostly during General Conference. It was fun, and felt like quite an accomplishment, to finish it for my daughter. A lot of time and dreams went into making it!

This one's just cute.

Rayne's great grandma gave her this buggy and a talking, singing dog.

Those farm animals and Rayne have come to help. I better push post before this all disappears...

Purple

I'm having technical difficulties and this picture was supposed to be at the bottom. Oh well, you wouldn't know if I didn't tell you.
Rayne is learning to smile on command. I have friends who have kids that immediately pose and smile as soon as they see a camera because they are so trained by people taking their picture. Not Rayne. It's impossible to catch her smiling. Not that she doesn't smile a lot. She just shies up for the camera. Anyway, this is her first "smile" for the camera.

On Saturday, Rayne insisted on wearing purple. Grandma (my mom) had given her this sweater, but we did not yet have anything to wear with it. The only thing I could find was this summer outfit. Luckily, the weather was spring like enough that I was able to put together what I think is quite the cute, preppy little outfit.

Here you can see her squeaky shoes. Yes, that means that squeak when she walks. Squeak like a dog toy. It's pretty funny (thanks to her other grandma).

A short hello

We are down to about 2 1/2- 3 months to go with this pregnancy. It's been rough but SO much better than the first time. I got over morning sickness and have only had a few leg cramps, only one or two that actually got me out of bed in pain. I've been pretty sore lately. My lower stomach is so tight it's hard to walk. But other than that, I'm doing okay. Rayne keeps me moving and I think that most the time, that's a good thing.

Rayne sometimes calls me JoNanna. It's pretty darn cute. She doesn't say it like in place of Mommy, but she knows it's my name. She also called her Daddy, Uncle Jeff over the weekend because her cousin was here and kept saying it over and over and over and over again.

Rayne and I went with Aunt Nini (Khrys) and Kelsey Grandma to Karen's house on Sunday for the Super Bowl. I didn't think we were going to go- she lives a long way away. But it worked out and we did. I was pretty excited. It was really great to spend the day with my mom and sisters. We can talk about anything. Watching football for the first time in a long time was fun too. And then, because it was so late by the time we got back in town, Rayne and I slept and my mom's and left Jeff at his dad's. Nobody got a very good night's sleep, but it was nice waking up and talking to my mom for two hours! How long it's been since we've done that! And being away makes coming home and being with Jeff just that much sweeter.

Rayne insisted on Ramen noodles for breakfast. Am I a bad mom? But now she is done and saying "Mommy up please." The sweet asking won't last so I will run. Hello to everyone in blog world! I miss you!

Rayne's 1st Joke

Rayne has been doing more things lately that make other people laugh or, more importantly, that make her laugh. She's also been doing a few things that are more like pretending- making her toys go to sleep and wake up for example. I don't know when kids learn to do these things, but it's a fun development to see in her little mind.

One of Rayne's favorite things to do is look for toe jam. She discovered it one day and said "what is that?" So I told her. Ever since, whenever we take off her socks or footsie jammies, she looks for toe jam. Because of what I say when she makes me look, she often says "ew, look at that one."

Today while looking for toe jam, she handed me her foot wanting me to look and said, without any hints etc, "peanut butter in there!" I couldn't stop laughing. I've tried to say "jelly" when I'm talking about what's on her toast so as not to confuse things. I'm not sure where she made the connection, but it sure was funny.