Salt of the Earth

Today I had Rayne help me put some things together for our "not School." She did a great job and even had fun doing it. Then she started to play in it. It was just salt in pencil boxes to use for writing practice and maybe some calming activities. Pretty soon she was throwing it around the kitchen. She's been so bored and having such a hard time lately, I let her go. It was just salt, the cheapest kind at that. Then, she threw it at me. I told her not to. She played for a while, concentrating a lot on pushing it into piles and making designs on the kitchen floor. Ah, good... oops, don't breathe yet because she's throwing it again! Then she came up and put a big handful right down my shirt.
Yes, salt filled my bra and stuck to my sweaty skin. UGH!!!!!! And the more I told her to stop, the more she kept it going and took it to the next level. In trying to not "let her win" I pulled out the broom and started sweeping. She started screaming and hitting me so I let her take the broom and I got the vacuum. So she screamed louder and hit harder and I had to really get after her to stop. Eventually we came to terms a bit and I tried to explain that I needed some privacy to change my shirt and calm down. I had to push her out of the bathroom, lock the door, and she stood there screaming like she was being beaten.
I was so frustrated!

This is my Rayne.

Motherhood manifesto, draft 1

I am your mother.
By the nature of our relationship, I have authority in your life. You and I both know this, can sense this. But we struggle.
I love you more than anyone else in the world is even capable of. You will always be safe with me. I will always do what is best for you.

I want to be your friend. I want to share secrets and talk about things and cheer you on. But I am not a child and I cannot overlook some behaviors. I have to tell you what to do at times because it's my job to see that you are safe and learning and growing.
I want to play with you but it is not my job to entertain you.
It's my job to take care of you but not to do it all for you.

My job is to teach you. To provide for you. To hug and love and snuggle you and be a safe place for you to fall. It's also my job to give you the skills you need to learn to fly, so that you are best equipped not to fall.
I won't put your shoes on when you are old enough to do it yourself.
I will not wipe your bum when you need to learn how.
I will not feed you candy and junk food because you think you don't like anything else.
I will make you brush your teeth and hair and take a bath once in a while.
I will make you go to school and I hope to teach you great and wonderful things and instill in you a love of learning.
I make you get your shots and go to the doctor when you need to.
I will pray with you and read scriptures to and with you. I will take you to church and teach you what I believe in because it's important and I want you to have a chance to learn and understand it and have that security in your life like I did.

Most of all, I will love you no matter what. You are my child. You grew inside of me and I literally have a part of you as a part of me. That will never change and I will never let go of you. I will always be here. You will always be safe with me.

Mission Statements

Last night I went to bed trying to think what I would do if we just had enough money to take care of ourselves and I didn't have to worry about it. I also asked what if I lived in the cabin by the lake I imagine in my head and never, or rarely, saw anyone else? If I truly didn't have to worry about what anyone else thought, how would I live?

Instead of giving me clarity, it's just made me ask more questions. Why do I do what I do if I don't think I would if no one else was ever around? Simple things like what clothes I wear and bigger things like what I try to teach my children.

Yesterday I also tried to write a bit of a mission statement for why we are homeschooling Rayne. This also was answered with more questions and I had to dig in to figure out my purpose.

Jeff and I have been toying with the idea of me getting part time work, if only for the summer. For the first time since before we had kids, I feel like it could be possible. I don't feel like I would be neglecting them or not doing my job as far as being a mom.

At the beginning of the year, I made a resolution to take better care of myself and do some things for me. This is good and much needed, especially I think when it comes to my physical health. But in some ways, I think it's distracted me from what I really want to be doing with my life right now.

Caius went to sleep around 6:00 last night and Jeff was at work. It gave me time to play with Rayne, do some school stuff, watch some shows and just be with her. I've been worrying a lot about her lately and feeling really stressed about how to take care of her. I realized last night that if I'd quit thinking about all this other stuff and just remember why I'm here, we'd all be better off. 

I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom because I want to focus on my children. I want their needs to come first. I thought yesterday that I need to just remember this and that my goal is to just be with them and be there for them instead of thinking of getting all these things done. If we lived in a secluded cabin by a lake in the mountains, I could do school however I wanted to. I could teach them what I think is important. If we had enough money, I could quit thinking all the time that I need to make money and that what I do isn't as important as making money. If I did work, it could be for self fulfillment and to be an example to my children. All I've ever wanted is to give my children peace and comfort and stability. I want to be their safe and soft place. I want to build them up. That is what I want to be doing right now. And that's the vision that I should make decisions by. 

Food again

What I will feed Rayne everyday:

Breakfast 9a.m.
French toast or PB&Honey sandwich (ease into wheat bread, she used to like it!)
Make smoothies out of low sugar, high protein yogurt and juice

Dinner 2p.m.
Whole wheat spaghetti, cheese, fruit
Pepperoni, lunch meat once in a while
Offer veggies- she likes carrots

Supper 6p.m.
Cereal, fruit

Bedtime snack
Graham crackers (maybe oatmeal or healthy cookies) and chocolate milk (carnation instant breakfast or Ovaltine).

Jeff is on his own for breakfast and after work.

We will have our big meal of the day at 2. Always have an orange and green veggie, protein, some grain and fruit.
Supper around 6 will be cereal or something easy. Tuna sandwiches, deli sandwiches with lots of veggies, egg sand, salads. Caius likes chicken nuggets and fish sticks- give him some protein.


Food rules:
No sugary and colorful cereals. We can eat Wheat Chex, Rice Krispies, etc. It's still processed but way less sugar and none of the dyes etc. Plus they spray on some vitamins.
No more Ramen, Kraft dinner, canned or boxed dinners. Replace w/homemade recipes. This may take some time and adjustment.

Is there such thing as "healthy" lunch meat? Chicken nuggets or fish sticks?
Kids will eat whole wheat pasta- serve that with cheese rather than Kraft dinner, ramen etc. Perhaps try boullion or other flavoring?

I've about given up on getting myself to Costco and Trader Joe's. Be okay with this or go to Trader Joe's once a week!

Basic dinner menu:
Monday- Mac and Cheeseburger
Tuesday- Tacos
Wednesday- Chicken and veggies
Thursday- Chili dogs or pizza for Jeff, Salad nicoise or sweet potatoes for me
Friday- Fish, rice, Veggies
Saturday- Pasta and salad
Sunday- Meat and potatoes/Sunday dinner - don't work too hard. I'm the only one that likes this type of dinner. Pot roast, chicken in the crockpot, shepherds pie...

Tears

I am having a really rough few days. I wanted to blog to get some of my thoughts down where I could see them. Instead I started reading an old blog and came across THIS! post from when Rayne was a baby. It's exactly the same stuff going on almost six years later!

I'm really kinda down about it. This week I've had to physically hang onto her and stop her from attacking Caius. She is getting very physical and reacting to everything!

She is not eating. If I'm lucky she'll eat some cereal or whole wheat spaghetti. I also bought some Carnation Instant Breakfast drinks that promise a lot of nutrition.

Last week, she got really good with bathroom issues. I was so proud. She was feeling so good about herself. But this week? It's been back to the same old stuff.

She does really mean or gross things and when I get mad at her, she yells at me for always taking away her fun. I'm trying to see it from her point of view and I try to explain that it's not fun to hurt someone else or that some "jokes" are inappropriate. Today she told me she was going to put me and Caius in the trash. I got really upset and said fine, I'll just take Caius and leave her and Daddy on their own. Well, of course this made her burst into tears.

She's so sensitive and I think she is trying to be "strong" in defense of herself. Perhaps she feels overwhelmed and vulnerable and weak so she tries to be unafraid and aggressive to compensate? That feels true when I say it.
I also feel sure it's inspiration so many times when I REALLY worry about what she eats or doesn't eat and feel so determined to straighten things out with our eating. But every attempt I make gets defeated.

Anyway, the post I linked above was between 2 and 4 months old. I was worried perhaps she had some kind of reflux due the crying and horrible sleeping and bad eating. How she would cry so hard and had such trouble pooping.
And nothing has changed.

I feel defeated. I feel like a failure.

Slow and steady is my pace

I've been busy the last few days taking care of sick kids. This mostly consists of sitting on the couch with them and being ready with a snuggle or a tissue. In other words, I've been busy doing not much and not able to do much else. I might be bored being this busy.
In a way, this has been good for me. I've thought that perhaps this is not the time of life to get much done. One intention I had for the new year was to take time for me each day to exercise, study, get dressed and ready for the day. This has been good because I've actually been doing a bit of these things. But it's also been frustrating at times because I can't actually DO any of it. I can't seem to get on a schedule or routine with any of it.
What I'm saying this week is maybe that's okay.
I've always thought of myself as a productive, get things done, successful person. I know some moms are able and even wanting to do more. But maybe my talents lie elsewhere. I am good at wiping noses and giving hugs and just being here, comforting them as best I can. I don't need to run any faster.

More food for thought

Inspiration struck this morning. The kind where you go from "I knew that" to "I KNOW it!"

Their health is MY responsibility. I take them to the doctor when they need to go. I pin them down for vaccinations I believe are for their good. I even put them to bed last night after Jeff and I both had to hold them down to brush their teeth.
These things are important.

So why don't I think that way when it comes to the everyday feeding them??? The thought I actually had this morning was "when it comes to their health, it doesn't matter." It doesn't matter what they want or what they'd rather have or if they like it. I, their mother, am responsible to give them what is good for them. This might even include Jeff.

Breakfast yesterday was interuppted by the maintanence man. He came to fix the light above the kitchen table. I had just sat the kids down with their "curly noodles" and was going to make some eggs for me. I woke up hungry that morning and my sugar has been so up and down I thought I'd better have the protein.
Getting to the point, I ended up feeding the kids Cap'n Crunch on the couch while the light was being fixed and by the time he left, I was so hungry I needed something right away so I ate Honey Nut Cheerios. I felt crappy all day.
This week, we are just getting through until payday. I'm trying to use what I have to feed us and we've also decided to try to be more on a schedule. So, by the time lunch came around, I was starving and off balance etc. I'm sure it sounds dumb to some but I realized just how important food is. Again, I knew it, but yesterday I KNEW it. Not just overall, but each meal. Even breakfast needs to be nourishing and worth something.
I am so programmed to think there is one big, real meal a day and the rest you do just so you don't totally starve. So I think I shouldn't need to eat more than Cheerios for breakfast, we had a decent lunch, and then dinner... well, I shouldn't really need to eat again. Not much anyway. My poor kids get caught in this way of doing things and then they only want to eat noodles or cereal anyway and I'm probably not feeding them anything worth eating!

So, for the millionth time I say, "it's time to change!" I also acknowledge that I'm doing the best I can with what I have and what I know. As I know more, I do better.
Here's the plan...

Breakfast, I think, should be fun. I often think of the free continental breakfasts at hotels my dad would take us to. Or the even better Marriot Courtyard breakfast bar. Really, it wasn't fancy, but I LOVED IT. I think breakfast foods are my favorite. So, I would like to have a bit of a breakfast bar here. Muffins, breads, cereals, yogurt, lots of fruits, juice and maybe some eggs or some kind of protein.

Because of Jeff's work schedule, we are trying to make lunch our big meal of the day. I'd like to think of it as our meat and potatoes, formal meal. Now, meat and potatoes doesn't have to mean a hunk of meat and potatoes and gravy. But, this is our meal to get protein and starch. Things like tacos and spaghetti with meat sauce are great. My goal is to make sure to have salad and fruit with it. To make the veggie "side dish" a bigger side and the "main" meal we are used to as a big bowl of spaghetti not such the focus.

Lunch is later in the afternoon and then Jeff goes to work. The kids definitely need dinner a few hours later and I'm finding even I need to eat again (back to the way I'm programmed or habit or whatever). Yesterday I was remembering these amazingly good sandwiches I used to get at the Union when I was in college. Good bread, lots of veggies on top. Would this be a good dinner? Again, focus on the veggies and round it out with the bread and meat. It would be easy for Jeff to get when he comes home without cooking yet another dinner and I think the kids could choose things they like. I suppose I will always have peanut butter and honey available. And some fruit. They might not eat their veggies but they do eat fruit and that's good!

Given this later eating schedule, we shouldn't need a bedtime snack. But this is something I believe in. Perhaps all the fitness gurus will tell me that's why I'm fat, but I believe in the comfort of it. And honestly I think the kids need it and I want it. So maybe when Jeff gets home, we can have a bit of milk and something with him. He can have his big sandwich and we can have a bit of something. I don't think it's bad for the kids and it's long enough before I go to bed that it's not eating right before bed. Especially if I keep light and healthy.

And my big goal? Quit buying things like Ramen noodles and packaged cookies and candy. I feel I've done much better this month. Keep going!

The last question is, does this really include Jeff too? He wants his frozen pizzas and corn dogs. In some ways, he needs things available he can just get given he's on such a different schedule than we are. BUT... he needs to be healthy too. My job is the home and food etc. So does this imply that his health is a bit my responsibility too???

My Heart Song

Before he left for work yesterday, Jeff played some music on Youtube and asked us all our favorite songs. Rayne remembered one she'd heard when we babysat other kids last summer. Jeff found it and it's the perfect theme song for Rayne, "Eye of the Tiger" by Katy Perry.

When he came home, he picked up where he left off. He asked me my favorite song and as typically me, I really didn't know. But I had a few that I really like. "November Rain" by Guns 'n' Roses, a heart wrenching, makes you feel SO much song. And then we put on "Moondance" by Van Morrison.

Oh. My. Goodness.

This song resonates with my soul. That is no exaggeration. There is an underlying base line that centers me and makes my heart beat in rhythm. Then the piano that adds this texture and life to it. And the vocals. Not perfection musically, but soulfully drawing out emotion and experience.

Sadly, I really don't know my favorites, even more so lately than usual. My CD collection and iPod have some great stuff I really like and is fun to have on when I'm driving or cleaning the house etc. And there are a few things I LOVE. But sadly I don't even listen to the likable stuff much.

And that soul wrenching, listen with your eyes closed because your soul might escape and you become totally taken over by it music? I have very little. I don't even own "Moondance."

Perhaps in our day to day life, these kind of experiences aren't practical or even wanted. Perhaps they should be saved for moments when we can take our time and fully be in them. But shouldn't I, couldn't I, have more of them? Don't I tend to accept the practical too often?

My typical morning begins when Caius gets me up and we come out and he immediately turns on Lego Batman on the XBox. I sit on the couch drinking water and checking Facebook, email etc on my phone, just in case the world ended last night, as I try to wake up. By the time Rayne comes out, I'm usually looking at Pinterest, I suppose trying to find inspiration to start my day.

Today maybe I'm in a mood. As I looked over Pinterest and thought "that's pretty" or "I like that" I actually became a bit irritated or even angry. There is SO much out there! And as I confessed, I've been looking at this everyday as part of my morning wake up ritual. But there is SO LITTLE that I actually LOVE. So little that really resonates with me and makes me feel ALIVE!

Isn't it possible that food and home and clothes and music COULD exist to make me feel completely alive!? At least for some small part of my day?? Or maybe more? Maybe more of my day, my existence could be spent feeling completely in touch with myself, my surroundings, my living!

Perhaps it would be too much. One small bite of an eclair is decadence. To completely indulge would make it not as rich and wonderful. But...

But...

I want more in my life.

Note to Self

I think I found my mom look today! I'm very excited.

I put on an outfit that just didn't quite feel right. I put on make-up and some simple but pretty earrings and a necklace. My hair is kind of a mess and I just pushed it back with a headband. I just wasn't comfortable in the clothes, more for the fit than the style, and finally decided to change. I was wearing a shirt over a t-shirt and took that off first. Then I changed into some sweat pants that are velvety and very similar in color to the t-shirt. The t-shirt is a bit snug,  but very comfortable. I like the way it fits in my shoulders and it has a flattering neckline. And there I was!

My make-up is simple but done and my eyes look really pretty. My messy hair, I like the natural look (it could be better but it's growing) and I quite like this headband and my hair off my face, both for looks and comfort. The clothes are so casual and some people think sweats are a fashion no-no no matter what. But, I think the soft velvety almost a bit of a shimmer makes them look a bit classy casual. And the make-up and jewelry, also simple, really add A LOT!

I suppose if I wanted to dress it up, I could add a scarf, dressier jewelry, change to a skirt or add a sweater or overshirt.

Ha! This is so me! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!

Disordered Eating

The other night, Jeff asked what my favorite food is. I honestly didn't know. And it dawned on me "that's why I've put on so much weight!"

In the last year and a half, I have tried to give up sugar and milk products. I've also tried to take a stand against processed foods. This means I no longer eat cheese and ice-cream (used to top my list of favorite foods) or even much enjoy a bowl of cereal (another favorite). You would think that giving these things up would help me to lose weight, but instead, I keep putting it on.

The thing is, I didn't give them up in an attempt to lose weight. I gave them up because my body seems unable to process them. So, every time I have a bit of cheese on my taco or a piece of candy or feed my boys and sometimes myself some thing out of a box or can, I really scold myself because of what I'm afraid it's doing to my body. I tell myself how it makes me sick and I can't handle it. And sure enough, my sugar levels go up or my stomach hurts as if I'm lactose intolerant.

Okay, so my body is trying to tell me something. The doctor says I'm not diabetic but my sugar levels easily go up and down out of normal range. I used to get really bad stomach aches every time I ate and I've discovered that giving up milk products has done a world of good to prevent that. But...

The next night I made some banana bread. Jeff and I ate the whole loaf that night. I LOVE bread. I like bananas. Two things that I need to be careful eating and make sure I balance with protein because of the sugar. But I just relaxed and enjoyed the bread. No stomach ache. No soaring blood sugar levels.

Shyly I admit to my main New Year's affirmation. "I am enjoying a re-connection with my physical body." I feel that these realizations may be quite insightful as I reconnect with my physical self.

I received an email a day or two ago from a blog(?) I've subscribed to. She has some great thoughts. This message was about not being so mean to yourself. As I read, I came to a part that said "all is forgiven." It was a very cool experience as I read those words. I felt them wash over my body. I forgive myself!

Rather than a list of wrongs I forgive myself for, I simply felt peace. An acceptance of myself. No criticism, just love. All is forgiven.

I am in this moment. I accept my body. I LOVE my body. Perhaps more than nourishing myself with food, I need to nourish myself with thoughts. I keep reminding myself to relax. To quit holding physically everything so tightly- the stress, worries, trying to be in control and do it all right- I can let go of that in a physical way. And I NEED to enjoy my food.

Not for vanity, but for humanity :)

I really need new pants. Sigh.

Last week I cleaned up my closet a bit and realized I really do have some pretty things. I put together some things to kind of take inventory and felt good about the clothes in my closet. 

Except for the lack of pants.

A day or two later, as I got dressed, I enjoyed picking out something pretty... until I didn't have pants to go with it. I wanted to cry and scream. Yes over pants. I think it's been two years now since I started "dressing my truth" and I still haven't had a real haircut and I still can't quite get it together.

So I cried via messenger to my sister who is much more a fashionista than I am. She wasn't online but as  I talked to her anyway, I came to some conclusions. And, to my happiness, I didn't think I would never get it, I just thought that somehow it will come. It's kind of my goal or intention for the year- to acquire a wardrobe I feel good in. Call it vanity if you think so but I deserve that right?

So I began this week determined to dress up and feel good about myself. I have to admit to looking quite beautiful yesterday. My hair worked with very little effort and I put on make up. I just wore sweats to be home but they were matching and cute. I felt great especially when I did end up going out to the bank and the store. And by the time I cleaned the bathroom, I was glad to be wearing sweats.

Today I'm not having such luck. My hair is looking good and I put on make up. I quite like the top I'm wearing but it's again with the pants. I'm trying really hard not to say that I'm just too fat but that might be the problem. But even if it is, I am what I am and I need pants that fit!

And the problem is, I have another bathroom to clean today and wearing what I'm wearing is not going to work. So I'm back to needing a mom wardrobe. I have beautiful things that I can't wear because I have no pants that fit decently AND I have to wash dishes and clean bathrooms. 

How many times have I so happily and grateful received some money and tried to buy a whole wardrobe at Wal-mart for $50? Around Christmas time I decided I liked the cute sweats thing and that would be my stay home look. I still like that idea except even when it's freezing outside I'm too danged hot inside! But perhaps something like that???

In my rant to my sister I decided I used to love the look of jeans and how it felt to put on a good pair. Since having kids, I really don't like jeans. They are tight and stiff and too danged hot. But perhaps I just need to get a good pair, not from the clearance rack at Wal-mart that will just shrink, break the zipper and/or wear thin really fast, and get used to wearing them again. 

Well anyway. The title of this post is a quote from "All Dogs Go to Heaven." I think it's hilarious and fitting. I feel vain and silly trying so hard to look and feel good. But I have decided that my new year resolution is to try. To not think I'm vain and silly but a woman who wants to feel good about myself. That's not so bad. I don't believe I'm proud in my efforts. I actually think it would be good for my children to take a bit of care for myself. 

Setting my intention for a workable wardrobe... 

P.S. I'm not against shopping at Wal-mart. I love it actually. I just know I've bought more than a few low quality items and perhaps I need to buy better for myself. 

Accepting Ramen for Breakfast

Reading back through blogs, I realize I have been trying to figure out and take control of our food for a long time. This is not without merit. I think I have taken steps to improve our diet. And besides, I keep us fed on a budget and that's saying something!

In my most recent attempts to get things planned out and improved, Hubby said to me "how often do you make things that no one wants to eat?"
This was not empathizing with my frustration. This was a statement of why don't I just quit trying to make anything special or healthy because it just wastes food.

Then my sisters and mom, yes my mom!, got me watching Desperate Housewives. I've only watched one episode but one character is trying so hard to be perfect she is coming across as a Stepford Wife. Her family is miserable and the teenage son asks if every meal has to be so special and why can't they just eat something normal. His friend's mom gets home from work, opens a can of pork and beans and they have food in three minutes.
I of course sympathize with the mom. "Little brat! Appreciate what I'm giving you!"
But okay, I get it. She's trying so hard and the family is miserable. My guess is, she's not so happy herself. Hmm. Is there a lesson here for me?

So as I attempted to write out menus and grocery lists, I invited the input of my family.
Jeff gave the answers I expected. Hamburger Helper, pizza, chili dogs...
Rayne in all her sweet take charge-ness said she wants curly noodles (Ramen) for breakfast, spaghetti for lunch, blueberry waffles for dinner, and Rice Krispies as a bed time snack.
I've been wanting so long to get away from processed food and learn how to cook. But, in this conversation, I gave up. I gave in. Rayne shall have the menu she planned. (I did talk about fruit and vegetables she likes so we'll add those too).

And that's where I'm at. Hamburger Helper once a week. I used to not think it such a bad meal. Add some veggies and cut out sugar and treats. I guess we will survive. As I've noted before, I'd be happy if Rayne would eat this, she might just get some protein and iron from the beef. And so it goes.

I may even feel okay about it. Truth is, I kinda like Hamburger Helper. It tastes good and is satisfying. And while I've read enough to think that canned fruit isn't healthy, I ate some for breakfast and I feel better than not eating fruit. So I'm just going to be thankful for what we have and pray over it and, perhaps (deep sigh), keep trying to take my little steps...

Dinner menu:
M- Hamburger Helper, veggies, fruit
T- tacos or taco soup (I make my own taco seasoning now, isn't that a cool thing!)
W-spaghetti w/meat sauce or other pasta (I have also made my own spaghetti sauce. May be worth the effort. And we eat whole wheat spaghetti so it's not so bad), salad, garlic bread
Th-chili dogs and potatoes (baked, sweet, salade nicoise, for me!)
F-salmon, squash and/or spinach, rice- fish sticks for kids and Jeff- Caius will be happy, Rayne might like rice if she's in the mood, I don't know about Jeff. He can have hot pockets
S- Something easy that I can throw in the oven and not dirty dishes. This is my day out at my mom's. I don't want to come home and cook anyway.
S- I want to do a Brunch before church and simple soup and sandwiches for dinner after.

What do you feed your family? Anyone else think canned and packaged food isn't bad? Perhaps I just read too many health nut blogs :) Has anyone made any changes and had the family go along happily?

Back to It

Today was our first day back to home school after an extended holiday break. I have made a lot of plans and was excited about some things but also found myself a bit anxious about it. We've had a rough go of things. But today went quite well for getting back to it.

I have set some good resolutions for 2015. I feel I might actually be able to focus on myself a bit and do some things I want to do. But when Caius got me out of bed before I was ready this morning it was hard to believe that. I'm not sure how to get on top of my life when I just can't quite get enough sleep. Don't get me wrong. Time was, getting this much sleep would have been heaven. And it's not like I'm completely zombified. But still, just not getting enough sleep to catch up to myself and that makes it hard to get up early or want to exercise etc.

So life goes on. Smaller steps than I want perhaps, but at least I'm taking them.

Just me

What if I'm a girlie girl?

What if I dress everyday the way I did today? What if it's not good enough? In style? Cool enough to fit in with my neighbor? What if I'm too old? What if I look funny?

What if I like it?

 I recently discovered that I still have this lingering, what I call "junior high" way of viewing things. I'm so afraid of standing out, being different, what someone else might think because surely if one person thinks it, it must be true.
I've never thought of myself as a girlie girl. Probably the same junior high mentality. You don't want to look like a little kid anymore or like your mommy dresses you or something.
Plus I kind of grew up with three brothers and perhaps being too girlie made me feel like I didn't fit in with them or was too weak to stick up for myself.

I like flowers. I like skirts. I like prairie shirts and details like ruffles and lace. I like old fashioned jewelry. I like curly soft hair and subtle make up and soft smelling soaps and perfume.
And maybe I can like these things and still love baseball and doing math and joking with my brothers. I can still be strong and in charge and take care of myself.



yyyyyyyyyyyyygewwuw3cccccbnmggggtttttahssawqertyuioppmmmmmmmmmbbbnnnnnnnnn

A "yay!" post- school

Today was the best day of school yet!
Jeff and I have been talking a lot this week about how to motivate our kids, how we want school to look, and just what matters to us. It's been really good. I've been making all kinds of plans and he wants to be a part of school. So today we just jumped into some of the things we've been talking about.
Rayne was quite hesitant about the change. I don't know if it's the change in time of day? She seemed quite resistant to having Jeff be there. But once we got going, it all went smoothly. She worked a lot with Daddy and loved it! Daddy and I both worked with her and Caius and Caius didn't have his normal grumpies. I could see that they both are thinking and learning and it will all be okay.
Good job! all of us! :)

Get with it, Mama!

It felt good to write my last post and accept that things can be good enough without being perfect. It was good to let go of a few things and quit pushing myself so hard to try for whatever picture of perfect I have in my head.
But a few days later and I'm going crazy. It's not the voices in my head and unrealistic perceptions I have. I WANT THINGS BETTER THAN THIS!

Knowing this is also good.

Tonight was our first real effort  doing homeschool rather than online. Some things went quite well. While Rayne wasn't completely agreeable, it wasn't a complete blow up. But, I still kind of felt just rushed to get it done and struggling to get her attention and "make" her do it.
We've been doing school at night when Jeff goes to work for a few weeks now. It seems to work. But Jeff and I both feel like it would be better to get up and get it done in the morning. I don't know why I feel like that. I guess it needs to be a bit of a focus and to be acknowledged that it needs to get done, not just as an after thought.
I want school to be better!

In my last post I admitted to myself that losing weight just isn't a priority for me right now. And so for a day or two, I let myself go. I had such bad sugar cravings and munchies and I just let myself indulge. And I feel horrible! It was really quite gross how much I just craved the comfort of food. I was already aware that I eat for comfort but boy oh boy, did it get away from me! This is also good to know. And to remember that I do care about my health. I may not be able to think about losing weight and wishing I looked "hot" but dang I do care how I feel!
I also care a lot about what my kids eat. Rayne doesn't eat anything! as I've said before. Caius does better but if he gets what he wants it's pretty much all pasta and cheese. Maybe that's not so bad but I think I can do better for him.

Is it wrong/bad for me to say that Jeff's schedule throws us off? Okay, it's easier to blame something out there than to take it upon myself, but really. He leaves before 5 so I've been trying to feed us more of a dinner before he goes and then he's hungry when he gets home around 9 so I thought we could have a bedtime snack. Well, the only reason this has been working for us, is because I just give in to everybody. And I am cooking mac and cheese or chili dogs at 9:00 at night when kids should be going to bed!
That's another thing. Caius has quite a habit of taking a nap when Daddy goes to work and Rayne and I do school. Then he gets up at 7 and doesn't want to go to bed until way too late. At least he naps. Rayne just thinks she doesn't have to go to bed until she's beyond tired and has a total breakdown (yes I do try to get her there before that happens, but it's not very fruitful). Then we are all tired so we sleep in and I've tried to work with that and say it's just our life but I think it's awful.
Perhaps it's just my style and people are different but I HATE being up late and sleeping in and trying to live a life in between. It just doesn't work for me!!! I feel crappy and tired all the time and so unproductive! Given that I am the mom, I think that's important to consider.

I'm not really blaming Jeff but if he's not at work, he has no discipline or structure to his life. It's probably one of the things I fell in love with. His happy, care free way of being and that he wanted me to slow down and enjoy life. But he stays up until whenever he feels like sleeping, which I think doesn't help with kids and bedtimes... somehow, it plays into it. He gets up when he's done sleeping or we get too loud and wake him up, which if I do have structure in our mornings, he kind of interrupts. Then he sits and plays games while we try to do school and somehow that's just not conducive to the atmosphere or something. And yet, what is he supposed to do? Just sit there while we work? So how do I change this!?

So now I'm back to saying, we need some rules dang it!
Bedtimes, mealtimes, school time. The t.v. and video games don't have to be on ALL DAY long (I'm sure it's just a bad energy past a certain point).

But really what needs to be said is "get with it mama!" I have to do better! And this isn't a beat my head against the wall trying to be perfect thing. This is a "this isn't working for me!" thing. I'm NOT happy with the way it is.
I don't make my kids do things because I'm not strong enough to fight about it. That's NOT okay. I'm sure they can at least sense that and maybe it's part of the reason Rayne is so insecure. Mom's a pushover so Rayne has so much control but perhaps feels like who's going to protect her?
Dang it! I thought if I was nice and loving, my kids would just go along with our routine. But EVERYTHING is a fight with her! I have to find some other motivation than "because I said so" or it's what has to be done! She just doesn't buy into that and then Caius follows her example even though he's such a mellow, do what he's supposed to kind of kid.

Alright, get with it mama! Be the grown up.

Another visit with mom perfection

A friend posted this on FB today.
I often wonder about other people, but rarely venture out to find out. Sometimes I apologize for my house not being cleaner when if I could be honest with myself, this is about as good as it gets and I think I'm doing pretty darn okay. If I could just let myself know it, I actually think I'm not doing too badly.

I've decided to quit worrying so much about what we are eating and just focus on making sure we do eat. There are some things I want to keep trying to do better, like eating more vegetables and not cooking 3 different dinners every time we eat. I really do believe in eating wholesome, real, unpackaged food, maybe even organic as we can. But I can't keep beating myself up over it.
I can't keep thinking we're failing every time I make dinner. Because really, the Velveeta Skillet that my boys are so fond of? I know it comes out of a box and is white pasta with cheese, but really, I'd be so happy if my girl would eat some and I'm glad my little boy gets the iron and protein from the beef. Some days, especially since starting kindergarten, I am just worn out and need to get something on the table fast. Sometimes, even if I do a more "homemade" meal, it does have canned ingredients and I just have to say that's okay. And really V-8 and canned fruit have always made me feel good, even if they aren't as good as the "real thing."
It's the world we live in. I wasn't raised knowing any better and teaching myself really isn't easy. Then there's always the food budget and the fact that no, really, I CAN'T afford organic eggs no matter how "worth it" they are. Or whatever the excuse, I just have to think it's not so bad as the foodies want me to believe.
In fact, like my house, I might even think I'm doing alright.

I really need to lose weight and get healthy. No really. I'm bigger now than I've ever been and I've never been so out of shape, even when I never really was in shape. And I do want to be healthier and stronger.
 But really? Right now it's just not a priority. I have so many things I'm trying to get done and think about everyday, being skinny and hating my body for not being there just isn't my top priority. Actually, I'd like to start with loving my body, getting better and more sleep, eating more veggies, and maybe doing some stretching and even just getting back in touch with my muscles.
Hello? Are you still there? My beautiful wonderful body that has come through so much? I made two babies for crying out loud! And I'm still here, living, breathing, getting things done. I have to admit, that's kind of awesome.

The truth is, my house might be messy, but it's not dirty.
I am aware of nutrition and keep making strides in feeding this group and I really am just grateful we have what we need and are healthy.
And my big confession is, I like Mt. Dew. I mean I LIKE Mt Dew and I just don't think I want to quit.
So instead, I give up trying to be "perfect." I am perfectly okay!

Deep breath- school decision

I have considered this last week a time of transition. I am quite happy with my process of deciding about Rayne's school. While it was very emotionally and mentally all encompassing for me, I really didn't freak out and stress in my typical decision making way. I didn't go searching everyone else's opinions in order to "figure out" what was right.
I gave myself time to feel. I prayed. I read a lot of different things just to get a picture in my mind of our options. I listened to my feelings. I discussed MY thoughts and feelings with people I felt mattered. And I let myself know what I thought and felt.
I breathed.
And then I knew.

Our final decision is to officially homeschool Rayne. Well, not officially. It turns out you don't even have to send a 5 year old to kindergarten legally in our state. So, we're not even going to bother with making it "official." What I mean by official is that we will be withdrawing from the online school, not sending her to a brick and mortar school, and taking this on all ourselves.
While this may not look like a change to anyone else, for me it is a big change. Daunting at first, I have found a lot of ideas and am actually feeling excited about teaching my children in a more formal, yet still home, way.
And, I keep reminding myself, it's only kindergarten. I think if she learns to read, write, and do some arithmetic, she'll be okay. I intend to really work on the behavior as well. I'm not completely sure what all that entails at this point (perhaps we should go back to therapy) but I have some plans in place for some first little steps. So far a couple serious time outs for hitting given by mom, who is seen as the weaker parent, have already seemed to make a big difference.

And so I continue to breathe.

Where we stand

Yesterday I had a conference call with Rayne's teacher and the Special Ed person. Basically, what it comes down to is this.
Rayne is not able to meet the expectations of this school because she is unwilling to meet and test with the teacher, showing aggressive behavior, she won't talk in the microphone for evaluations and won't participate in live lessons and reading groups. They are saying that they have to have a way of assessing that she is aquiring the information. That makes sense of course and I guess being an online school, one of their main ways is to talk to the kid. Not unreasonable.
In order to go forward with this school, we would need evaluations, including someone coming to our home to observe and probably Rayne meeting with a doctor/therapist on her own, and a behavior plan which, they were sure to tell me, would be extremely hard on me, require a lot, and things would definitely get worse before they get better. But, it is really important to take care of this now before Rayne is older and bigger and has hormonal changes etc thrown in to really mess with her. One word that stood out to me was that we need to "extinguish" this behavior before it gets worse.
Okay. Understandable. Reasonable expectation. Of course I don't want to be dealing with an aggressive, defiant teenager. Etc etc etc. But, there is no way for anyone to see Rayne when she is happy and sweet and confident and learning because if anyone else is there, she freaks out. I'm not completely convinced that forcing her to meet and work with strangers is going to help and not do more damage at this point.
Or maybe they are right. I have to confess that an exhausted part of me wishes I could just send her to school a couple hours a day and have someone else "fix" her.

The other option, according to this school, is to send her to the neighborhood traditional school. This might be better because she would be meeting face to face and have positive peer pressure and let's face it, just the convenience of it being just down the road rather than out in cyber space. They assured me that even being in a behavioral classroom, which may not even be always necessary, she should be learning at grade level, meaning what the "regular" classroom is learning. She is still expected to meet state requirements etc.
I can't help wondering if "experts" wouldn't be better able to help her.
But I don't think that's what my gut is saying. I don't want her to have a negative, hating school experience. I've never really believed that the best way to deal with fears is to face and overcome them. You need to learn how to deal in spite of them. I think that sending her to strangers, all alone, would be trying to get her over her fears. I'm pretty sure that if I were to go parachuting or something similar, I would die from my fears not suddenly not have them anymore.
Perhaps I'm wrong. I'm just not really ready to test it on my little girl.

So, my thinking, Jeff's thinking, is we will do flat out home school. I'm pretty sure that makes no difference to anyone but me. No one else knows really what we are currently doing or how it would be any sort of a change to be officially homeschooling. But, it is a big difference for me. I would be solely responsible for all her education and learning, academically, behaviorally, even socially. I'd have to come up with it all on my own. And as I've mentioned, I'm exhausted!
Because no matter how much someone else may love her or be concerned or try to help, when it comes down to it, I am the only one "in the trenches" with her. Even Daddy isn't completely there. Perhaps Caius is and that's a whole other issue. But it is me. I'm the one actually doing it. Taking her to doctor appointments, meeting with teachers, helping her in the bathroom, trying to get her to eat, being yelled at, trying to teach and love her.
My mom has told me the story of someone she once knew who had a daughter with some kind of disability. In exhaustion, the mother asked, "why me?" The answer she received was that she wasn't the one going through it. Her daughter was and she was the mother and it was her job to help her child.
I think of that often. This is my baby. It is my job to help her. I try not to think about my own tiredness and needs. I try to think of them enough to be better for my kids. This is what it is to be a mom. I believe that. I've somehow always known that it was so important for me to be there with my kids. I kind of think it's why my life has played out the way it has. It's all about them now.

Deep breath. It's time to be queen.

Meeting ED

Today Rayne and I met with the special ed director of her school. She (I'll just call her ED) tried to get Rayne to test with her like she had done with the teacher a month or so ago. Is it possible it could have gone worse than the initial test? Apparently so.

I suppose in fairness Rayne did tell me she wasn't going to do it and I should maybe just be glad she went with me without putting up a fight. But she demonstrated very aggressive behavior. I literally had to hold onto her to keep her from kicking, punching, scratching ED. And boy can my girl give some mean, threatening looks! Lately she does this mean face and holds up a fist like she's threatening to hit you. It was awful.

ED was very kind and patient. She has experience with this stuff! I felt like it was a good conversation to have had and that I learned something but by the time we got to the car, I felt like crying and I didn't even know what the conversation was about.

ED said that in a traditional, "brick and mortar" setting they take aggressive behavior very seriously. Hitting a teacher would not be tolerated at all. Rayne would probably be put in a special class and they would have to do things like a safety plan for her to participate in field trips. It was all very depressing. This is my beautiful, brilliant girl they are talking about! The alternate setting would be very structured and address behavior and maybe in a year or two, Rayne could assimilate into the regular classroom.
As for their school, an online school, there isn't a lot they can do because they aren't the ones dealing with it face to face everyday. They can come up with a behavior plan and it would be mostly teaching me how to implement it all. She said "it is exhausting."

I am exhausted. There are days when I hate school. There I times when I guiltily wish I could send her to someone else and have them deal with it. Maybe it would snap her out of it or something. I feel like a failure because I don't know how to fix it, I haven't fixed it already, it exists at all.

ED is going to call Rayne's teacher tomorrow morning and then they will contact me to talk further.

I talked to Jeff for a bit tonight (he's at work). He is very much against sending Rayne to the brick and mortar school. I think even more so after what I told him ED's recommendation would be. He was always in "resource" (I don't know if that's the PC word but that's what he calls it so it's the term I'll use) for behavioral issues, not a learning disability. That's exactly how ED explained it. There isn't an intellectual problem, it's behavior. But, according to Jeff, he had to work at the level of people who were mentally challenged, learning disabled etc and so he was never challenged, never learned anything and got bored so he'd act out more.
This is good to know. That's not what I want for my girl. The whole reason we are doing school at home is because I want to feed her intellectually even though we don't know what to do behaviorally.

So I guess I'll see what ED and teacher say tomorrow and go from there. It would be good to have the help in helping Rayne. To know some tools and how to approach things.
Still, thinking in terms of "aggression" I feel a bit more able to see what I need to do just because we put that label on it.

Sigh. I am so tired. I really want to go to the library. Maybe I could read and learn how to help "aggressive" behavior and Rayne and Caius could just learn from reading. It's not a bad idea...