Type 2 Energy

Mom, Khrystine, Aunt Marie, Dolly (did I miss anyone) recently went to a seminar done by Carol Tuttle on "Dressing Your Truth." Years ago I'd gone with Mom and her friend and Khrystine to lectures done by this woman who called herself an energy healer. This is where we learned about things like chakras, quite New Age ideas and yet some of it, from what little I know, seemed based in very old Eastern philosophies. I always left these lectures feeling unsure of this woman's credibility, wondering if we were dabbling in things inappropriate for our faith, and also learning a heck of a lot about myself and thinking there has to at least be some truth in there.

Mom has talked on her blog about the idea behind this "Dressing Your Truth." Basically it's based on your energy type that manifests itself in everything you are. Mom explains it well so I won't here; if you've ever heard of dressing your season, it's a similar concept.

In one of the lectures I attended so long ago, Ms. Tuttle did hint at this being in the making. At the time I thought "oh great. I'm the flat energy, the one that doesn't really have it's own energy going on but just reflects back to other people what they are." In time, I decided this was a pretty special quality, to be the type of person that gives back to people who they are and helps reflect and magnify their higher qualities.

I don't know how that fits in to the four energy types defined in this program but I had the same sort of reaction as Mom and Khrys told me about the lecture. "Please don't tell me I'm the soft, subtle type." I wanted to be a Type 1 energy. I had just moved into our apartment and was so easily and effortlessly pulled into the ward. We went to a playgroup at the park our first week or so here. I met neighbors and felt alive and like I was finding myself again. I thought maybe I am an outgoing, fun person, I've just never allowed myself to be.

But, when Mom loaned me the book and I read about Type 1, I knew it just wasn't me. I read enough of types 3 and 4 to know they definitely didn't fit and finally gave into the idea that I could be a 2. I read that and knew it was exactly who I am. But, in reading it, I also learned a lot that made it not sound so bad. Like Type 2's are supposed to be the classically pretty ones. I've NEVER thought I could pull off pretty- cute (a type 1 word), maybe, but not pretty. But, I do like things pretty around me. Even when I make dinner, I like to have matching, nice plates and a bit of presentation because I think that's the way things SHOULD be. So, I started considering this energy type.

Then I talked to Mom and Khrys some more and looked at some things on a disk or website. In trying to figure out their energy types, I read more about Type 4. There was A LOT in there that fit me. I was truly surprised. This type is called the "bold, striking" woman. There is NOTHING bold and striking about me in my appearance or my personality. Still, I talked to Mom enough one day to think I have a lot of the characteristics. I found myself looking at me wondering if I couldn't be more bold and striking if I let me, all the while knowing that I am a Type 2.

The point is, it's no fun to read something new and exciting only to find out you already knew it. And frankly, I tend to think of Type 2 personality as boring, easily pushed around, mousy, and childish. We spent years discussing the "season" approach to make-up, colors, etc, trying to decide if I was a Spring or a Summer. As I thought about things in this program, I had to admit that my resistance to being a Summer to the point I actually hated the colors was probably due a lot to the fact that I was in junior high or high school and I didn't want to wear little girl colors and be shy and overlooked. I wanted to be "popular" and fun and I actually hated that so many people signed my yearbook saying "you're so nice," "you're so sweet," etc etc. So here I am a grown up, probably having the same reaction. I actually spent a week or so finding myself reacting to things thinking "but I'm just the doormat" or "I'm too shy" and "it's okay, I don't really like being around people anyway." It was quite crushing.

Well, I've put this stuff on the back burner for a while but the other day Mom loaned me her CD that goes with her book. I watched a bit of it and one thing that really keeps me from saying Carol Tuttle is so smart and really onto something is that it seems like everything she does is just a commercial for something else that she does. You buy the book to read about what she's trying to sell you in the next book. The CD kind of felt like that.

But then I watched the segment that had testimonials. Women who have gone through the whole process and discovered, or perhaps just accepted, their energy types. I have to admit, they all looked amazing. I was kind of impressed that it wasn't just color and appearance. And then came a couple Type 2 ladies talking about their experience. It sounds incredibly sappy of me to say, but I honestly felt like crying. They weren't mousy or doormats or childish. They were incredibly beautiful. And they talked about accepting their quiet natures, their shyness and I could really relate to what they said.

On the page that lists the sections of the CD it also had a slide show going to the side. It would say the type and then show pictures that go with that energy. Not just pictures of people and make-up and fashion, but scenes in nature, animals, things you'd have around your house etc. and even the music is meant to fit the Type. I watched the Type 2 and felt a breath of air. YES! This is what I want of myself.

I went to bed a bit perplexed. It did feel like I've always known this, but where was that person? One question I had was if I'm a soft, subtle woman, how can I lose my temper so quickly and be so mean and ornery with my vivacious, beautiful 2 year old? How come all those beautiful things aren't just easily manifested through and around me?

That's when I thought of the junior high reaction. It would have been way too scary to trudge through adolescence admitting to a soft, subtle nature. It wasn't "cool" in high school to look overly girlie, unless you were too cool and kind of slutty and that kind of girlie looking. And then I thought of my own family and home growing up. I think I was quite nurtured to be the nice girl etc, but I think even then, it was more fun or cool or felt good to be... sassy, spunky, tough, perhaps even tomboyish, funny... Don't read too much into this. It's not an analysis of my childhood, but of my thoughts and reactions. All I'm saying is Mom was a fun, outgoing person. Karen was kind of tough. Ben was funny and my best friend. I related to dad by being like him- hardworking, dedicated to school- and our fun times were when we'd go to a baseball game or watch football. And I guess as I tried to relate or fit in here, I always set aside, to some degree, the fact that I am a quiet, calm (???), feminine, pretty (???) girl.

I'm not explaining it very well. It's not like I'd totally subdued or given up on myself this way. I just haven't fully lived up to my most core qualities. And when I saw them presented in this way, I felt...

SOMETHING!

Turning 35

A common question for Rayne to be asked is "how old are you?" Her dad and grandma, especially around her birthday, made a big point of trying to get her to answer "I'm two!"

I watch the kids on the play ground and one of the first questions they ask each other is "how old are you?" They get excited to meet someone their same age. They group together by age. It does seem an important part of their identity.

I remember learning how to say your age in my high school French class. The actual translation was "I have ... years." This actually makes more sense. We have years, we've lived years, we aren't our years, at least not past a certain age.

Significant birthdays seem important. 8 years old in our church and you can be baptized, boys at 12 receive the priesthood, 19 (or 21 for girls) they go on missions. When we are 16 we can drive, 18 vote, 21 drink, 24 rent a car. I don't think I was ever THAT excited to turn an age and past a certain age, it really didn't matter to me anymore. I remember after 19, I just wasn't ready to be older so my mom "let" me stay 19 for a while. But then I think I turned 25, had graduated from college and was working a good job and felt ready to be a new age. At one point I worked a temp job at a flower store just to supplement my income and I'd always wanted to do that. Most the kids working there were in or just out of high school and a lot of people couldn't believe that I was as old as I was (29?). My students often commented on how young I looked and that I looked like I should be a student and not a teacher. My husband is significantly younger than I am. But, like I said, at some point it just didn't matter. I quit counting how old I was because I thought that someday I might feel old and if I didn't know how old I was I couldn't actually get there.

My life is about experiences and things I've done, felt, accomplished. People I've loved and places I've been. I am not my age...

Last August I turned 35.

Yes I say I turned 35 (another strange expression). I feel like I have aged a lot in the last five or so years. I feel like I AM my age. Being married, having babies and no sleep... perhaps it's taken a physical toll on me. I'm not so sure I've actually rested or recovered from having Caius. I felt like I did better being pregnant with him than I did with Rayne but my body has just not been the same. I hurt and I'm out of shape and some things are hard to do that I used to be able to do, like lifting and bending. I put on clothes that still fit, as in the size of them fits around me, but they just aren't the same... probably because my body has changed even more than I realize. I have more white hairs now than ever; I mean to the point I WANT to color my hair a bit. It's not like I'm gray, some people say they don't even see what I'm talking about, but I feel like I want a lift. I feel like it's time. Now that I've finally become comfortable with myself enough to go out without make up and not really care, I feel like I NEED it. The style of clothes I wear... well, I just don't even know what to wear lately. It's all too easy to stay in jammies all day when you're home with the kids, Caius spits his food at me, Rayne soaks the bathroom- and me- every time she takes a bath and most times when she washes her hands. It's not like I go out now and even when I do, like to the grocery store, it's not like people are noticing me as the cute girl or something; I'm a mom. I'm not looking for attention. I've felt very comfortable lately wearing dark colors top and bottom and I think it's because I feel like I'm in the background or something.

If I ever think about how I look, it's not the same as I used to, not even in what I want. I WANT to look like a mom, like a grown up. Sure I want to be pretty and all that, but somehow it's different. It's older or something. The things I'm putting around my house also are different. Some things I've had forever and truly love, but they don't fit me either. I have some old kitchen towels from my first apartment. They are bright and fun and really cute, but I find myself really wanting the towels I have acquired somewhere along the way, in very soft, almost muted colors. I suppose my whole life focus has changed having children and being home. I'm not sure how to manifest that on the outside.

To those of you who had to commute...

... sorry, but we loved our snow day!

Rayne asked all morning to go outside and play. I didn't want to take Caius out in the cold and I didn't want to try to hold him and help Rayne on what I was sure would be a slippery playground by myself. So, I kept telling her she had to wait for Daddy, who was sleeping after a night at work. Finally, he got up and Rayne insisted on going out. She got dressed in her snow suit and Caius and Daddy stayed inside. We ventured out in the snow. I chose these pictures to blog because you can see the progression of the snow on the slide. Above, the slide has snow all the way to the top.

Rayne getting ready...

And she takes the snow with her! She found that the snow and wet made the slides super slippery and she about flew off the end, landing in a pile of snow. She LOVED it and wanted to do it again and again!

Posing for the camera in her snow pants. What an awesome and adventurous girl!

Feeding Time

Rayne and I had a very hard time with breastfeeding. She'd had a bottle by the time we left the hospital and there were times, sometimes even a whole day, when I just couldn't get her to eat with me and she had to have a bottle. In some ways it was nice, especially when we were out or in the car, we could give her a bottle or Jeff could feed her.

With Caius, I've felt determined to breastfeed. Perhaps I feel like I'm "making up" for what I wasn't able to do with Rayne, like I'm fixing my mistake or something. Perhaps it's an intuition that this is important for him.

Jeff has often encouraged me to give Caius a bottle too. I'm not up for pumping, so this would mean feeding him formula and I just haven't been able to get past a gut feeling of "no." I'd like to think that Jeff's motive is purely out of wanting to help or making things easier for me but I think a lot of it was that he wanted to go to a movie and we couldn't leave Caius with anyone, especially at the beginning, for any length of time if they couldn't feed him.

But finally we've made it to a milestone. Caius recently started eating baby food.
This is a picture of Caius' very first bite of baby cereal. A picture's worth a thousand words! Haha. Actually, I think he likes eating quite a bit and is doing well. He has had rice, oatmeal, prunes, squash, green beans, sweet potatoes, pears and bananas.

Caius eating "real food" has eased Jeff's concern a bit. He now knows someone else could take care of Caius if we wanted or needed them to. I too have relaxed a bit and finally let Daddy feed him. This is what happened:
I think I'll keep following my intuitions!

Mama's Boy

Caius gets so excited just because I walk in the room. He jumps up and down in his play thing and raises his arms above his head just wanting me to pick him up.

The other day I was getting him to laugh just by doing silly things. We've played this way before but this time it just seemed less like an involuntary reaction and like he was truly enjoying himself... and me.

I don't think anyone has ever looked at me the way Caius does. Pure and complete love in his eyes. Almost an infatuation. It makes me feel so good, so sure about what I'm doing, and like I want to be more and better. I want to be everything to this little guy. I want to show him everything that is good and beautiful about the feminine and motherhood.

I read in the Relief Society book a quote from Joseph F. Smith (or was it Joseph Fielding Smith?) about how when things were hard or he felt tempted he would think of all his mother had done for him. It was her love that gave him strength to be who he was and do the right things.

Remember the love of your mother my boy! Nobody loves you more.

Just a cute pic

Trick or Treat

Decorating cupcakes

As you can imagine, one cupcake ended up with A LOT of sprinkles :)

Proof Caius had some happy times in all this!

Learning the joys of licking the beaters when baking!

Caius has been having a hard time. Teething and six month shots all in the same week!

She finally got frustrated with the hat and quit wearing it.

I can't decide which is the cutest picture!

"Aaarrr!"

This felt like our first real Halloween. On Saturday, the grocery store around the corner posted signs that they would be doing trick or treating, cookie decorating and a witch walk. I wasn't sure what to expect; perhaps in a small town, it would be something or maybe the store was just trying to get people in. But, we went over anyway. Turned out to not be much, but Rayne did get one treat and that was plenty to make her happy.

Saturday afternoon, the Kelsey grandparents and Aunt Nini came over. I made some beef stew and biscuits thing. Yes, I said beef stew. Funny what pregnancy and being hungry teaches you is okay to like. We also made cupcakes.

Rayne wanted to be a red princess. Of course, we had to wait until the payday (ie. Thursday) before Halloween to get her costume and we shop at Walmart where we get an employee discount. They didn't have too much to offer in her size. We found this cute pirate princess outfit and went with it. She was happy with it. When I first put it on her, she ran through the house saying "aaarrrr!" It was really cute. Caius' ghost costume was what Rayne wore her first Halloween. He looked really cute. The happy ghost seemed to match his happy personality.