3 a.m. list making

Last night I made a list in my head of what I want to give my children. I started at the basic thing I always said was going to be the most important to me: peace, security, calm. I was discouraged that I'm not even giving them that. Rayne woke up having bad dreams. I'm assuming that was the problem because she was pretty upset and talking about spiders. I don't even remember if Caius was up first or she woke him up by crying but I had them both up and Jeff, who was trying to get back closer to his night shift schedule, had just come to bed. We are all in the same room, there was no air conditioning starting sometime yesterday afternoon, and even what air we could get to come in from outside, was hot. So, I of course was grumpy and crowded and tired.
Once we settled a bit or I got my gripes out a tad, the guilt set in. Why can't I just remember that Rayne, who is so independent and communicates so well, is still just a baby who needs to be held? And poor little Caius never really complains about anything. He's such a mellow, happy baby. Even Jeff, my man child, tries hard to do the right thing and to take care of us.
I let Caius lay on the bed while I held Rayne and calmed her down. Then I put her on the bed between me and Jeff and got Caius to sleep. I tried to rub Jeff's back enough he knew I was acknowledging him and I prayed. Sometimes I beg that they will just sleep so I can rest. But it seems to work better if I pray that I will get rest and that I will know what to do for them and that I will stay calm and patient. Somewhere in here is when the list started. I tried to focus on having our own place soon and how I would set things up. That gave me positive thoughts and my list took on a life of it's own. It was neat to me how I started with the most basic thing, what I feel is the most important things I want to give to my family. That led to something else... if we have that, we can be that, if we're that, it creates this... I wish I could have written it down to remember it all. Perhaps if I start here again, at least some of it will come back.

Peace, comfort, safety
Happiness, laughter, self acceptance
Curiosity, exploration, self expression,
Love for others, love for self
...

Isn't she a bit young for that!?

One of Rayne's favorite snacks is peanut butter on crackers. Of course she eats off the peanut butter and I don't think she's ever eaten the crackers. Today she had six crackers. When she wanted more peanut butter I picked up the paper towel they were on and as I walked to the counter one fell off. I picked it up and threw it away, buttered the other five and took them back to the table. After a minute Rayne told me one was missing. How do you know one is missing? I asked her, surprised that she would even notice. She can count, but I didn't think she'd be that aware or remember it. She pointed to the spot on the paper towel where one was missing. She had lined them up in her pattern and knew that one was gone.

Rayne has discovered that she can jump quite well from the foot rest to the chair and have a soft landing. Today she stood up on the foot rest and counted out her jump: 1, 2, 3... she counted all the way to 15!

Rayne has been very proud lately of the things she can do "all by myself." She listed them the other day and then asked "what else?" Her list included putting on her own shoes, walking up and down the stairs, riding her bike, and drinking water from my water bottle without help.

I finally took Rayne to the nursery at church. She has been two weeks in a row and loves it! I was so scared about taking her. I knew I would never be able to leave her alone but I was afraid, even if I was there, that there would be a lot of crying or that she wouldn't know how to get along with the other kids. Of course, playing with other kids is a new thing for her and there is a lot to learn but I was afraid of her reactions. Plus, I was pregnant and then had a new baby and didn't know how that would work. But she has been stellar! She talks to the teachers and the kids and asks their names. She was willing, of her own accord, to trade the pink shaker she had for a blue one so the boy who wanted a pink one for singing time could have it.

We've had a lot of visits lately with cousins Rayne hasn't met before. She has been wonderfully amazing. I love to watch her and see how she interacts. She loves to share and pass out treats. She REALLY loves her Aunt Melanie and cousin Gina.

Rayne asks almost everyday now to hold Caius. If I leave him for a minute to go in the other room she'll follow me then say she has to go check on the boy. Often she'll tell him when he's crying, "it's okay, I'm here."
I just think Rayne is amazing!